Dramatic Works of Harry & Edward Paulton
4.A.A A. A A A, A
FARCICAL COMEDY IN THREE ACTS,
fiarrp and du>ar<! Paulton.
PRICE ONE SHILLING AND SIXPENCE,
Amateur Fee for each representation of this Play
is Three Guineas, payable in advance to
amuel French, Limited, 26, Southampton-street,
MUEL FRENCH, LTD.,
24, WEST 22xD STREET.
(ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.}
NOTICE. The attention of those who take part in or
mise dramatic representations should *K? called to the law
on copyright. All representations of copyright dramatic
works are liable to fees, if either money or consideration
be taken for admission, tickets sold, a collection made, or
where any theatre, hall, or other place be hired for such
purpose. It is absolutely necessary tliat the fees for plajs
should be paid in advance and an authorised permission
obtained, otherwise each person taking part, or causing
such play to be represented, is severally liable to a penalty
or damages, under 3rd and 4th William IV., c. 15, sec. 2.
Uy means ut the telegraph, injunctions can be obtained to
ft-ain performances, which, if ignored, would lead to the
imprisonment of the offenders. Agents are appointed in
all parte of the kingdom, and are authorised to collect fees
behalf of the various authors or proprietors, and are
y>owered to exact full penalties where fees have not
n paid in advance. It is not necessary to have a
printed notice on a play to the effect that it is copyright,
although this is done in many instanees. To save useless
correspondence it must be strictly understood that no
reduction can be made on account of a performance taking
place for the benefit of a charity, or any other cause what-
ever. Any information on this subject can be obtained
by sending a stamped directed envelope to SAMUEL
FRENCH, Ltd., 26, Southampton Street, Strand, London.
Fees on the plays which S. French, Ltd., collects for mutt
be paid by P. 0.0, or cheque to the above address, or the
The fees to Amateurs will be as follow, if paid in advance :- -
1 Act Pieces. - 2 Acts. 3 Acts.
From lOs. 6d. to 42s. 15s. to 63s. 21s. to 5 8ft.
BURLESQUES and OPERAS aro charged * 3 Act Plays.
It is advisable to ascertain the correct amount before remitting.
No fee* can be refunded.
A Circular respecting the liability incurred in playing copyright
dramatic works without permission can be had on application.
& farcical Comefcp in
HARRY AND EDWARD PAULTON
COPYRIGHT, 1904, BY T. H. FRENCH.
NEW YORK :
24, WEST 22ND STREET.
SAMUEL FRENCH LTD.,
26, SOUTHAMPTON ST.,
NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
CAST OF CHARACTERS.
Prince of Wales Theatre, Strand Theatre,
Liverpool, 1st Sept., London, IGth April,
PETER AMOS DUNN, MR. HARRY PAULTON, MR. HARRY PAULTON,
in Life Assurance (President of the Universal Insurance Co.).
CORNELIUS GRIFFIN, MR. E. T. STEYNE, MR. FORBES DAWSON,
in Love with Himself (Peter's Wife's Brother.)
PHILIP INNINGS, MR. MERVYN HEREPATH, MR. HERBERT Ross,
in Corney's Hands (Corney's Friend).
HAMILTON TOMPKINS, MR. HENRY S. DACRE, MR. GEO. HAWTREY,
in the Clouds (an Art Enthusiast, a Millionaire).
PARKER SILLOCKS, MR. CHARLES RANDOLPH, MR. A. C. MACKENZIE,
in Retirement (a Merchant).
CAROLINE DUNN, Miss CONSTANCE NATHALIE, Miss INA GOLDSMITH,
in-dispensable (Peter's Wife).
HELEN GRIFFIN, Miss HELEN PALGRAVE, Miss CARLOTTA ZERBINI,
in Authority (Caroline's Eldest Sister).
HATTIE GRIFFIN, Miss VIOLET LOFTING, Miss GEORGIE ESMOND,
in Open Rebellion (Caroline's Youngest Sister).
BEATRICE SILLOCKS, Miss MARIAN DENVIL, Miss ELEANOR MA",
in Love with Corney (Peter's Daughter).
MARY, Miss DENT, Miss VENIE BENNETT,
in Service (Parlor Maid).
MADELEINE MIFTON, Miss ALICE DRUMMOND, Miss ISABEL ELLISSEN,
in the Way (New Jersey Governess).
NIOBE, Miss JENNY BEAUVILLE, Miss BEATRICE LAMB,
in the Flesh (Widow of the late Amphion, King of Thebes,a Statue.)
ACT I. Dunn's Drawing Room. Looking to the North. (7.15 p.m.)
In the Absence of the Family.
ACT II. Same. Looking to the South. In the Presence of the
ACT III. Same. Looking to West. Afternoon of the Same Day.
Time. Present. Location. London.
NIOBE, ALL SMILES
SCENE. DUNN'S drawing-room. At the L. of front cor-
ner, a large bay window on to the street; L. c. an
arched opening with portiere to stairs and entrance
liall; R. door to dining-room. On the R. of entrance
a four-fold screen like a box case, surrounding Statue
of Niobe, in which is a Vampire opening at bacJc.
An opening also in Flat behind .screen. One fold of
screen opens to L. of stage towards centre opening.
Two folds open to R. Small castors on the bottom of
opening folds. Piano R. below door; couch in front
of it; table L. c. ; chairs R. and L. of it; piano stool,
foot stool, chairs, etc.
At r,ise of curtain, HATTIE R. at piano; HELEN standing
c., beating time to HATTIE'S playing " The Maiden's
Prayer" for opening of act; CARRIE seated L. of table
L. c. ; BEATRICE seated R. of table, discovered examin-
ing album, sketches, etc.; after curtain is up. MARY
enters from R. with three small cups and saucers on
tray; HELEN up c., takes one, drinks, MARY offers
other cups to CARRIE and BEATRICE; CARRIE offers one
BEA. (with album) Who in the name of goodness
is that dreadful looking guy?
CAR. That is Mr. Dunn when he was a boy.
BEA. Your husband! oh!
MARY after offering coffee to BEATRICE passes front of
table to L., giving coffee to CARRIE.
CAR. Are you quite sure you won't take coffee?
BEA. Quite sure!
After this MARY going up L. to exit c.
4 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
HEL. (up c., sternly) Mary, the fire!
MARY goes to fireplace L., puts tray on chair; MARY
poking the fire HELEN eyes MARY severely.
HAT. (at piano R., finishes playing) Oh, Helen!
That's twice this evening I've played the " Maiden's
HEL. (up c. ; turn'ng to HATTIE fiercely) You will
play the " Maiden's Prayer " twice morning and evening
until you are perfect.
HELEN turns from HATTIE and drinks coffee.
HAT. (impertinently) Ugh.! I'd like to catch you
saying your maiden prayers twice morning and even-
HATTIE turns resumes playing.
MARY, (advancing c. to HELEN, tray in hand) What
time shall I order the carriage round?
HEL. Seven fifty.
HELEX returns cup to MARY MARY exits c. and R. at
We shall be at the Theatre then before the Curtain
HELEN advances R. c.. severely watches HATTIE play
with glasses on.
HAT. Well, you oughtn't to do it. You'll lose caste if
you get to your seats without disturbing the per-
HATTIE playing softly while she talks.
HEL. (advancing to BEATRICE, L. c.) Beatrice, you
are well posted on Theatrical matters; is the play we are
going to see to-night strictly proper?
BEA. I know nothing to the contrary, (closing
HATTIE plays ff.
HEL. (very angrily) Hattie! Take your foot off
the loud pedal; we can't hear ourselves speaking.
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 5
HATTIE shuts up piano petulantly: pouting as sits on
couch, back to audience.
CAR. (rising) I was sorry Mr. Sillocks couldn't
come to dinner.
CARRIE goes to window doicn L., looks out.
BEA. Papa regretted it very much, but he is sure to
be here to escort us. (crosses R. to couch and sits.)
CAR. I'm glad of that, because Corney is never satis-
factory as a Chaperon.
BEA. Oh, Carrie, I'm sure Corney is most attentive.
HEL. (L. c. ) If you were his sister, you would not
think so. He neglects us shamefully.
HAT. (R.) Quite right, too! It's a pity if a fellow
can't stick to the girl he's spooning, (sitting K. and
laughingly hugging BEA.)
HEL. Hattie! You are a very slangy child. Such
terms are most improper.
HAT. Corney uses them, and I don't know any better
way of saying it. (crosses to c.)
HEL. Could you not say adhere to the lady he's en-
HATTIE crosses back to sofa.
BEA. We can hardly consider ourselves engaged,
while Corney is, so to speak, on trial. If Papa approves
of him, of course we shall be married.
Bus.; HATTIE and BEATRICE quietly congratulate each
HEL. I'm sorry I cannot live with you and manage
the household, but Carrie could not get along without
me. She has no talent for management and Peter is
too engrossed with outside business.
HAT. (laughingly) If you'd watched him at dinner,
you'd think he did not neglect his inside business.
CARRIE and BEATRICE laugh.
HEL. (sternly) I can see nothing humorous in that
CAR. (L.) A man of Peter's excitable temperament
has enough worry abroad, he deserves to enjoy himself
6 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
CARRIE goes up L. to fireplace, puts cup on mantel-
piece, as if looking for something.
HEL. But he brings his worries home with him. I'm
sure we didn't want that troublesome Statue in the
house, though Mr. Tompkins does think it the greatest
treasure on earth. He calls it Niobe Lachrymans,
whatever that means.
BEA. Why did Mr. Dunn bring it home? (knock and
MABY crosses at back from B. to L.
HEL. For safety he says; it is insured in the Uni-
versal, of which Mr. Dunn is Manager, for quite a large
sum, and as Mr. Dunn granted the policy on his own re-
sponsibility, he is anxious to guard the Statue from in-
BEA. (curiously) I should like to look at it.
BEATRICE rises, going up towards screen.
HEL. (interrupts her) Not while Hattie is in the
HAT. (on couch E.) Oh! I've seen it, and why not!
It's decent enough. She only shows a bit of her shoul-
der; it's nothing to the display at Society balls.
HEL. Hattie! The child is incorrigible. (goes up
CAR. (at fireplace up L.) Where are the Opera
HAT. Better ask Corney. He was at the Alhambra..
BEATRICE at piano, looking at music.
HEL. (turns) Oh, you dreadful girl! (door slams
Off L. U. E.)
MARY. (L. c.) They're in the drawing room, Sir!
SILLOCKS enters L. c. ; MARY crosses L. to B., always in
front of stairs.
SILL, (c.) Good evening! Here we are! 7:30 to the
tick! How's Dunn?
CAR. (at fireplace L.) My husband is very well,
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 7
SILL. How are you? (to HELEN, coming down c.)
Hello, Bea. (to BEATRICE) Ah! Hattie! (HATTIE crosses
to SILLOCKS, c., who takes off overcoat.) and the babies,
my little cherubs, Bertie and Maud.
HEL. (crossing at back to fireplace) They are in the
nursery; we don't allow them in the drawing-room.
CAR. (down L. of L. c. table) They ought to be in
bed; it is past their hour.
BEATRICE crosses at back to fireplace.
SILL. Very early, isn't it? even for infants?
HEL. Judging from results, no! Look what a healthy
child Hattie is. Few girls have so fresh a complexion.
HAT. Unless they get it at the Chemist's. (SILLOCKS
BEATRICE goes up L. to fireplace; HATTIE puts on SIL-
LOCKS' hat, goes up stage c. at back; places coat and
hat on rack in halhvay; SILLOCKS sits B. of table.
DUNN, (without R.) No! No! Everything is com-
parative; smoking is bad, but chewing is a precious
sight worse; and have you reached the limit of compara-
tive noxiousness then? No, sir; no! (DUNN enters with
CORNEY R. D. CORNEY CrOSSCS to BEATRICE L. ) Hallo,
Sillocks! Did you notice how Nitrates were at closing?
SILL, (coming down front in centre to DUNN) 92 y s ,
a point and a quarter rise. You're not interested in that
Electric Light Consolidation scheme, are you?
DUNN. (R. c.) No! There's no money in it. Well!!
That's my opinion.
SILL. Aren't you coming with us to the Theatre?
DUNN. I? Oh no!
SILL. Why not?
DUNN. Not asked. Never intrude where I'm not
SILL. But your wife
DUNN. Well, my wife They did ask me to go
once or twice; but owing to some business, I couldn't
accept; now, I never get the chance of refusing.
SILLOCKS goes and sits R. of table, opens album; DUNN
up c., looking at his paper.
HEL. (back of table) Peter, if you wish to see the
children while we are away, go up to them in the nur-
sery. Carrie does not approve of their coming into the
g NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
CORN, (advancing slightly down L.) Quite right!
Children up to a certain age should be kept in a room as
devoid of furniture as possible; the only way to keep
them out of mischief, is to chain them up to a ring in
BEA. What horrible notions you have Corney!
Leaving CORNEY, she goes up and crosses at lack to R.
SILL, (looking at album) Hallo, legs! (HELEN
turns quickly, comes down to back of table) You've got
some choice specimens of the Ballet here, I see!
HAT. (starting for table from R. corner) Where?
Let's have a look at them.
HEL. (commandingly) Stand back, Hattie! I must
know before we proceed any further, how this indeli-
cate picture happens to be placed by the side of mine,
in the album?
HATTIE goes to BEATRICE up R., laughing.
CORN, (down L., aside) Hang it! I shall be ruined
with Beatrice if Sillocks suspects me.
CORN, (alarmed) Yes!
HEL. Do you know anything of this?
CORN. Why yes! Peter put 'em there!
DUNN, (down c.) What! I put them there?
CORN, (crosses to DUNN c. ) Yes, of course, now
what's the good of denying it, old man? (aside, digging
DUNN'S ribs as he gets R. of him) Say yes, or Sillocks
Avon't approve of me.
CAR. (advances slightly L.) Is that true Peter? Did
you put them there?
DUNN, (perplexed) Well (CORNEY looks at him)
Yes I suppose I must have done.
CORN, (over DUNN'S shoulder) Thanks one extra
lie can't press much on your conscience.
CORNEY turns to BEATRICE, iclio is R. c.
BEA. I'm so glad it wasn't you, Corney.
CORN. So am I. Don't make such a fuss about it,
Helen, there's no great crime in having photos of pretty
BEATRICE and CORNEY go up towards dining-room R. H.
HEL. (at back of table, with a withering glance at
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 9
Duxx) Then we may fairly assume that those yellow-
backed French novels I found in the study, are yours
Duxx. (turning c.) Mine!! Look here, Helen
CORN, (turns quickly, coming back to c.) Helen!
You're too prying by half! Peter never imagined for a
moment that you'd rake them out.
Duxx looks at CORXEY inquiringly.
HAT. (R.) Oh, Helen; they're not so very dread-
ful! At least, the one I read wasn't.
HEL. What! Oh, Carrie! What are we to do?
CORX. There's not so much harm in these French
books after all. They're very much over-rated I mean,
Drxx. I suppose Dobbin sent them up in a mistake
for a bundle of circulars, (aside to CORXEY. with paper,
his back to audience) What is it? What's the idea?
CORX. Old Sillocks! Must stand well with the father.
It's all right, you can bear it. I cannot stand wrong
CORX. Oh, excuse me, Bea.
Joins BEATRICE and exits with her in earnest conversa-
tion R. u. E., after pushing HATTIE out of the icay.
HEL. It is fortunate the servants are ignorant of
French; it is a blessing they cannot realize the enormity
of your offence.
Duxx goes to couch, sitting.
Duxx. (c.) I'm as bad as the servants Neither
CAR. (crossing to Duxx, sits L. of him) It is fortu-
nate we detected them before the new Governess ar-
Duxx. Yes; it wouldn't do to throw temptation in
HAT. (R. of couch) W T hen is she coming, Peter?
Duxx. I can't tell you that. She has started I be-
lieve, but has found it agreeable to call on some friends
CAR. Then she may not be here for a day or two.
Duxx. It looks like it. She has sent her Leamington
address, so she probably expects a message from us.
HEL. (coming fiercely to Duxx) Why have you kept
this knowledge from us?
10 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
DUXN. You could have had it any time for the asking.
HEL. Where is her note?
DUNN. There's no occasion to put on that tragedy
queen expression. Here it is (selects and gives letter.)
HEL. (crosses L. as she reads) Madeline Mifton, care
of Mrs. Miller, Barton street.
HAT. Did she seem a jolly sort of girl?
HEL. (turning L. corner) She's not engaged to be
HATTIE with toss of her head, goes up R.
DUNN. She appeared to me an agreeable kind of per-
son, and the people at Chester, where she was living,
spoke very well of her.
CAR. (arm in DUNN'S) I hope she will be good to
DUNN. Well! She looked the kind of person who
would be good to the children.
HEL. You have so little discrimination I ought to
have gone to Chester myself.
Goes up L. near fireplace.
DUNN. Well, nobody stopped you; and you have her
references anyway. (CARRIE soothes him and up to fire-
place to HELEN.)
SILL. I'm sorry you're not going with us, Dunn.
DUNN, (crossing SILLOCKS and sitting L. of table)
It's just as well as it happens; I've had a letter from
Tompkins, saying that he's going to be in town for a
few hours; he is sure to run in to look at his treas-
SILL. I saw in the Telegraph that he had bought the
celebrated statue " Niobe " from the Bernoldi collection;
is that so?
DUNN. Yes! I have it here in the house. We have
insured it for 10,000.
SILL. A good sum what was your idea of bringing it
HELEN, HATTIE and CARRIE up at back near fireplace.
DUNN. Oh! Mr. Tompkin's new mansion, at Henley,
isn't ready yet; and I did not care to risk it in storage.
SILL. You don't go in for curiosities yourself?
DUNN. No! No money in 'em! I've a genuine Rem-
brandt in the dining-room, said to be worth 12,000.
XIOBE. ALL SMILES. H
Duxx. No! Tompkins's! Come and have a look at
it it may be your only chance. Just as well to be able
to say you've seen these things.
Exit SILLOCKS and Duxx K. D., both talking; HATTIE fol-
loics to door, mimicking them; then turns to HELEX.
HAT. We ought to get our wraps on now. It's a quar-
ter to eight.
HEL. (going c.) How impatient you are!
HAT. No more so than you; only you think it clever
to look as wooden as a Chinese idol.
HEL. Hattie! We'll leave you behind if you're not
HELEX exits c. and R. up stairs.
HAT. (calling after her) You'd send me to bed with-
out my supper too, if you could, only I have had it.
CAR. (icith pretended severity) Don't be so forward,
CARRIE exits c. and R. up stairs; CORXEY and BEATRICE en-
ter from R. D., spooning.
CORX. Oh yes, Bea, if I asked you very sweetly,
wouldn't you? (HATTIE gets in front of them.)
BEA. Here is Hattie?
HAT. (laughing with hands behind her) Disturbed
again, eh? Poor dears. Can't you get left to yourselves
CORX. Yes, here if you leave us. Get out.
CORXEY goes for HATTIE c.; BEATRICE drops doicn R. to
couch and sits.
HAT. Now behave Corney, or I'll tell Helen who put
the photos in the album.
CORX. Be off, Miss Impudence (runs her off up-
stairs R. c.) That girl's a terror, (returns to BEA,
speaking as he comes down) You can't think Beatrice
(sits on couch) You can't think.
HAT. (returning) You can think; we haven't much
time, Bea; you'll be late.
CORX. Will you get out (CORXEY chases her round
table and up stairs c. and R. ; he returns) She gets worse-
and worse! (looking back after HATTIE.)
BEA. I didn't see anything so dreadful in the photos,
Corney; if you own up to them, I don't mind. /-..
12 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
CORN. Oh, well! If you don't mind, I will!
BEA. I thought they couldn't be poor Mr. Dunn's; he
looked so innocent.
CORN, (seated on couch R., laughing) Yes, Peter's
appearance does rather discount him.
BEA. It was too bad to infer they were his.
CORN. Oh, he doesn't mind. We put everything on to
Peter; and I'm so much afraid of your father's displeas-
ure; you don't know the treasure you are Bea; and the
fume a fellow gets in for fear of losing you. (with arm,
BEA. Why should you be so anxious? If your past
was only blameless.
CORN, (absent minded) Yes! If it only was!
BEA. Do you tell me it is not?
CORN, (quickly) No! Of course I don't, you don't
think I'm such a jay gay gay deceiver? (turns
slightly away) If we were only married. Then I
shouldn't have to be so careful.
BEA. Have you to be careful?
CORN. Of myself, yes! But then, you can take care
of me; and I can be careful of you; and I shan't have to
invent stories about Art photographs, or French Novels.
BEA. Novels, Corney?
CORN. Though they're not really mine; Innings
brought them here.
BEA. We've not seen Mr. Innings lately.
CORN. Not for two or three days; he's away on busi-
BEA. I thought he had no business to be away upon.
CORN. No! he has no business to be away, when I
want him here that is he isn't away on his business.
It's business of mine.
BEA. (curiously) Business of yours?
CORN. Yes! well! pleasure more than business when
I say pleasure I mean business I wanted a change but
I couldn't spare the time and Phil could he took the
change it was really my change; for he paid the time
before; you know how one fellow will take another fel-
low's change. He's a most obliging fellow.
Knock; HATTIE runs doicn stairs.
HAT. Here's Mr. Innings, Corney!
HATTIE rushes off L.
CORN. Thank goodness I was getting a bit mixed.
XIOBE, ALL SMILES. 13.
(goes L. as INNINGS enters c. from L., HATTIE following.)
How are you, Phil?
BEA. Good evening, Mr. Innings!
I NX. Good evening, Miss Sillocks!
INNINGS down R.
BEA. Come Hattie!
BEATRICE going up c.
HAT. (c., gushing at INNINGS) Oh, there's heaps of
time; it's so rude to leave Mr. Innings.
CORN, (going up to HATTIE) You haven't a minute;
the carriage is at the door now; I'll do the polite to
CORXEY sees girls off c. R. up stairs and returns to
What kept you so long? I expected you yesterday!
INN. (taking off gloves as he sits on couch) I had
more to do than I thought. You said
CORN. (c. anxiously) Never mind what 7 said; what
have you to sayf Your news?
INN. Well! I went to Cambridge you know
CORN. And you have come back, I know, but what.
did you do there? What have you discovered?
I NX. I found Ethel
INN. Was no longer there
CORN. Then you didn't find her?
INN. (sitting on couch) No; nor the slightest trace
of where she had gone.
CORN, (goes L. and up round table) Then she'll turn
up when least expected; what a confounded fool I was!
If the affair reaches old Sillocks's ears, good bye to
Beatrice; hang it! I'd have discovered something if
Id gone. (sits R. of table.)
INN. (rises and coming c. ) It wasn't much, but 7
discovered something I learnt that Ethel had a sister,
a governess. Did you know Ethel had a sister, a gov-
CORN. Yes, but I never saw her!
IXN. Knew you'd think I hadn't tried, if I didn't find
out something; so obtained the address of Sister, at a
situation in Chester went to Chester; sister had left
referred to a friend. Miss Topping; found Topping;
l_j. NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
worked round stealthily to subject, but the moment I
mentioned Ethel's name, Miss T. shut up like an Oyster;
no news there, except that Ethel's sister, Madeline Mif-
I xx. Had gone to a situation as governess, in Lon-
don. Resigned a good situation, for " some ridiculous
notion " that's what Miss T called it of coming to
London to look up or hunt down a young man to
whom her sister was or had been engaged.
CORX. (delighted) Ridiculous notion! Good for
Topping! She might as well search for a needle in a
haystack I'm safe enough.
Knock; MARY crosses from R. to L. at back.
Ixx. I wonder she didn't pursue you herself, instead
of putting the sister on your track.
CORN. Well, Ethel is something like myself she can-
not stand worry.
Door slam; enter MARY c. from L. ; IXXTXGS goes to R.
MARY. Mr. Tompkins!
CORN. Show him in, and I'll send Mr. Dunn to him.
(MARY exits to L. ; CORXEY goes over to door R. ) Peter!
Here's Mr. Tompkins I'm going to the Theatre Phil, so
I can't stop and entertain you. I'm immensely tickled
with the idea of the Sister coming to London to hunt me
down. I shall think of nothing else all the evening.
DUNN, (speaking as he enters from room R.) How
tie do, Tompkins, (INNINGS going towards DUNN) why,
it's Innings! (DUNN down to couch) I thought you
said Mr. Tompkins was here.
CORN. He is here.
CORN. There! (indicating hall off c.) How you do
CORNEY and INNINGS exit into dining-room R., as TOMP-
KIXS enters L. c.; DUNN rises and meets him c.
TOMP. Let me thank you, Mr. Dunn, for taking such
particular care of my treasure. It was most consider-
ate of you to bring it into your own house.
TOMPKIXS posing L. c.
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 15
DUN?*. (R. c.) Not at all! I was anxious to have it
unpacked, just to make sure it hadn't suffered in ship-
TOMP. (enthusiastically taking off gloves) Ah!
you thought of the centuries that beautiful form had
retained its completeness, without damage or disfigure-
ment, and were impressed with a tender, almost loving,
DUNN. Not a bit! I thought of the loss to our Com-
pany if it got chipped. There was no sentiment or
friendship in the business. Sentiment's all very well,
but there's no money in it.
DUNN crosses to window, L. c. ; SILLOCKS enters from din-
ing-room R.; lights begin to go slowly down.
SILL. (R. c.) How do you do, Mr. Tompkins. I con-
gratulate you Sir, on the possession of such a gem.
TOMP. (L. c.) Beautiful, is it not?
SILL. (R. c. ) Grand! A painting like that
TOMP. Painting! I am speaking of my Statue,
SILL. Oh, I haven't seen it.
TOMP. (c.) Ah, when you do! Where among your
moderns is a work like it? Where among your Sculp-
tors, the peer of Phidias, Praxiteles, Scophas or Poly-
dorus of Rhodes?
DUNN. (L. of table) And which of the whole lot
would compare with Edison?
TOMP. Ah, Dunn! You are not familiar with the
DUNN. Haven't played a game since I was a boy!
(sits L. of table)
TOMP. (despondently) Sculpture is dead now Sil-
SILL. Don't despond Tompkins, it may revive!
DUNN. Sculpture's right enough in its way but it
isn't in it with the Telephone, or the Telegraph, or the
Tape, or the Typewriter.
TOMP. Ugh! All such inventions tend to warp the
noblest traits of human nature.
DUNN. Statues are all right for decorating Parks, but
there's no money in them.
SILL. I'm in favor of the modern myself.
TOMP. And I sigh for the Antique (sits R. of table
L. c. ) I should like to have lived in the days of Homer!
DUNN. Not for me. I can't fancy existence without
cheap postage, fast steamers, and penny-in-the-slot ma-
16 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
chines. I countenance every improvement. Move with
the times I say, and get ahead of 'em if you can. (rise)
I'm getting the Electric light put in now; we make our
connection from the street here, just as you do with
TOMP. I hate gas. I would go back to the pine torch
or the days of candles!
Duxx. (L.) Yes! You're crazed on the subject of
TOMP. (L. c.) I am, and I glory in it.
SILL. (R. ) Well for modern tastes, there isn't al-
ways too much clothing on our remnants of that early
Duxx. (crosses to SILLOCKS) You're right. That's
one reason the women objected to the Niobe; and it's
decent enough for anything. The dress is apparently
split up a bit on one side, and shows part of the knee.
TOMP. (enthusiastically) A classic knee, Sir,
which nothing in nature Modern nature could equal.
Duxx. (c.) I did manage to have my own way for
once, and there it is, behind that four-fold screen, which
boxes it in completely. It's nicely out of the way there
TOMP. (rising) You'd like to see it, Sillocks?
TOMP. A glorious figure, Sir!
Goes L. and around table.
DUNN, (up c.) I suppose as Statues go, it is very
well turned out.
Swings back fold of screen, showing Statue of Niobe;
DUNN is now R., holding back two folds of screen;
red glow from fire.
TOMP. (L. c. behind table) Lovely! What exqui-
site moulding That knee especially!
SILL, (curiously) What's she supposed to be doing?
TOMP. (back of table) Weeping! You know the
story of Niobe. The gods wearied of her incessant
tears: turned her into stone.
DUNN. She'd make an elegant ornament for a family
TOMP. Sillocks! I would not take ten thousand
pounds for that Statue.
NIC-BE, ALL SMILES. 17
Drxx. Sillocks won't tempt you!
TOMP. (with enthusiasm) This beautiful image was
dug up in the ruins of Thebes in 1785; it passed into
the hands of a Florentine gentleman; but in 1S25 Count
Bernoldi purchased it and it remained in his collection,
till I tempted his grandson, a spendthrift youth, with an
offer he could not resist. Oh, how perfectly that nose is
chiselled, and that shoulder
Duxx. That cold shoulder
TOMP. (approaching Statue) What are those wires
around the feet?
MARY, (who is seen "busy in hall c. quickly) Excuse
me, Sir, don't touch them; the Electric man said as
you were to be very careful with the wires.
Duxx. The connection with the street is made then?
(Duxx closes the screen and lights go up again)
MART. (c. in doorway) Yes, Sir! But he hadn't
time to bury the wires under the floor to-day; so he
wrapped 'em round the feet of the Statue, where they
wouldn't be likely to hurt no one.
Duxx. Who the devil gave him permission to touch
the figure? Don't you know you are expressly forbid-
den to touch the figures?
Ladies come doicn stairs to halhvay; CORXEY and.
IXXIXGS from E. in hallway join them.
MARY. Miss Griffin, Sir!
Duxx. Oh Miss That'll do!
MARY exits at back R.
N. B. After Duxx closes screen NIOBE removes white
wig, makes up, etc., for re-appearance in the flesh.
TOMP. Confound your modern appliances! They
managed to get alor-r without them in Attica! Bah!
We might all have been killed!
TOMPKIXS crosses L. corner; lights going up.
Duxx. (c.) Not this time. The pressure isn't on.
SILL. How do you know that?
Duxx. (following TOMPKIXS, crosses to window L.)
Because the lights in the street are not going yet.
HELEX, BEATRICE, COF.XEY, HATTTE and IXXIXGS, and CAB-
BIE advance from hallway c.
18 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
CORN, (putting on gloves) Sorry Phil, that you
can't come along with us. (CORNEY down L. c. )
INN. I'm not dressed to go to the Theatre.
CAR. What a pity there isn't another seat?
CARRIE comes down R.; SILLOCKS gets up back of ladies
HAT. Oh, you must come, Mr. Innings.
HEL. (coming c.) If you will give up your seat to
INN. (protestingly) No, no!
DUNN. If you are all settled in your seats, let me in-
troduce Mr. Tompkins, Mr. Hamilton 'iompkins, my wife
(ladies get into line with CORNEY top; DUNN waving
Ms hand comprehensively) My wife's family.
CORN, (waving his hand) How are you, Tompkins?
HEL. We are delighted to meet you.
All ladies in row curtsey rather marked; CARRIE is R.
corner, HELEN next, HATTIE next, BEA next to COR-
SILL. (c. at back) Come along, Mrs. Dunn; we shall
CARRIE exits c. and L. with SILLOCKS.
CORN. Come on Phil, give you arm to Hattie, and
pilot her to the carriage.
BEA. Some of us will have to walk; the brougham
will only hold four.
Exit CORNEY and BEATRICE, others following c. and L.
HAT. Mr. Innings can sit on my lap. (exits taking
HEL. Hattie! I can do nothing with her,
Exit HELEN c. and L.; slam of door; lights slowly going
TOMP. (front of table) All your wife's family?
DUNN, (c., coming down) Nearly!
TOMP. Some of your own?
DUNN. Oh no! I married out of my own family cir-
cle into my wife's I got rid of one Griffin by changing
it to a Dunn, and three other Griffins sprang up in its
MOBE, ALL SMILES. 19
place. Takes it out of the Phenix, don't it? (rings bell
.MARY enters R. c.; Duxx signs to her; she exits R. D.
TOM P. (crosses R.) Griffin! Griffin! Was that your
wire's maiden name?
DUNN. Yes! The Griffins of Brentford.
To MP. (os if thinking, sitting on couch R.) Indeed!'
Unless I'm much mistaken, there was quite a scandal
years ago about a Miss Griffin of Brentford, but that
could not be your wife?
Duxx. No, but it might be Helen! And oh, if it
were! Tompkins, if you could only find out for certain,
and place me in possession of the facts
TOMP. (on couch) I certainly can and will with
pleasure. I think (bus.) she eloped with the coachman.
Enter MARY with trays, fir inks, 3 glasses, Decanter,
glass jug, with a little water in it, and exit R. c.
Duxx. Helen eloped! Eureka! I see the dawn of
emancipation Tompkins, do I look like a slave? (c.)
TOMP. (eyeing Duxx) No, I don't see that you do!
Duxx. (c.) But I am we all are this is Uncle
Tom's Cab'n; I'm Uncle Tom, and Helen Griffin is my
Legree. (crosses L. of table) But provided with such a
weapon, I could rear the standard of revolt and free our
Duxx L. of table with decanter; TOMPKIXS follows
Duxx to R. of table.
TOMP. The intelligence shall be yours, (sits R. of
Duxx. The few of my own people that are left, I
never see, never hear of. My own dear little sister
Mabel has never been asked to visit us. The Griffin
has never fixed her Basilisk eye on her, and apparently
doesn't want to.
TOMP. The attendant ills of married life! Ah! The
women will never victimize me.
Duxx. (sitting L. of table) Ah Tompkins! Don't be
too sure of that. You never know what it is that gives
you indigestion, but you get it just the same.
20 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
TOMP. I shall never marry, if you mean that; T
would not marry a modern, and I'm not likely to meet
with an Antique.
DUNN. I've a Maiden Aunt; the one my Sister's with,
who is antique enough for anything.
TOMP. (interested) How far back does she go?
DUNN. Well, past the middle ages; she's over sixty;
but it's the rarity of her that would attract you, Tomp-
TOMP. (indignantly rising, going R. ) Sir, I'm not
forming a museum of curiosities, but a gallery of Art
DUNN, (rising) Yes! Of course! Are you going
MARY enters from c. and L. with trunk; TOMPKINS put-
ting gloves on c.
MARY, (c.) Here's a trunk, Sir, has been delivered
for a Miss Mifton.
DUNN. Miss Mifton! Oh, the Governess's trunk. She
said it would be sent on. Leave it there, Mary. We'll
get it carried up bye and bye. I remember she said in
her letter it would be sent on.
MARY places trunk near R. of c. doorway and goes to
turn up lamp on stand below fireplace.
DUNN. Never mind the lamp, Mary; I'll turn it up
myself when I want it; (MARY exits c. and R.) I like
to sit in the gloaming! What's your hurry Tompkins?
Sit down and take another drink.
TOMP. I am due at the Antiquarian Society. A dis-
cussion on what History owes to numismatics!
DUNN. Well, go and fix the amount and get History
to settle up Good evening! Mary! Oh! Good even-
ing, Tompkins! (lights down low)
MARY appears c. and R., ushers TOMPKINS out L. c., then
crosses to R. at oack,
DUNN, (goes to Statue again, softly humming a tune)
A pretty thing for our Company if that idiot had dam-
aged his Statue with those infernal wires. Just like my
beautiful sister-in-law, to give permission to wrap them
round the figure, just to show that my wishes were of
no account. I'll get a staple and padlock to-morrow;
and fasten that screen up like a packing case, (sits on
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 21
sofa) I suppose the Electricity can't affect the marble;
ha! it's such a mysterious agent, one never knows what
it may do. P'raps I'd better light up. I wonder what's
the matter with the Electric lamps in the street?
(crosses at front of table L. c. and looks out of window)
They're generally making the gas look sickly before this
must be something wrong this evening. Ah! There
it goes! (flash on electric light outside window, flood-
ing stage, DUNN sits L. of table L. c.) Well! That's
light enough to think by. (low moan: weird music be-
gins) What's that? (moan) Some Psychological phe-
nomenon! An omen of some kind! (rising, towards
window; NIOBE extending her arms, pushes open screen
and is seen moving, as if awakening to life; DUNN
.sloicly turns) Great Heavens! The Statue's alive!
Falls on knees at chair L. of table.
Nio. My feet! Oh, Amphion! Amphion!
DUNN, (looking at Statue) Is this nightmare? Am
Nio. My feet! This thrill! A liquid fire seems
coursing through my veins. Ah!
As if bursting the spell steps down from pedestal, re-
mains, making picture.
DUNN. No! No! It can't be that I don't drink
to that extent.
NIODE comes slowly down c., examining room in wonder-
ment; goes round up n. and then deliberately to c.;
DUNN, who has crouched behind or beside table, dis-
arranges himself, tie, hair, etc.; then crawls round
table up c., as NIOBE turns and confronts him. he
shrinks back on to knees, hands on chair. Music
ceases. NIOBE comes near DUNN regarding him with
Nio. Hail to thee! What man art thou? How came
you in this strange guise? Are you a slave?
DUNN. Yes No Certainly not! (aside) There's
no use in letting every stranger know I'm a cipher in
my own house.
Nio. A Lord?
DUNN, (timidly rising) Lord and Master! (aside)
I can truthfully say it while Helen is not on the prem-
22 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
NIOBE approaches Duxx before speaking, he backs away
Nio. How strange! (goes lower and regarding him,
back to audience) How strange!
Duxx. (with wonderment) Strange! She thinks,
me strange! If she could only change places and regard
herself, and doubt the existence of her faculties, as I do
(NIOBE now moves, going up R. ) When I see her
move and hear her speak. No! I've got to believe it.
It's the Electricity. She's there alive, Niobe herself;
not a Statue. And I'm not dreaming, or drunk or de-
mented, (staggers front of table)
NIOBE has looked round apartment.
Nio. (advancing c.) Who has made these changes?
Where's Amphion? Is he not yet back from Olympia?
Duxx. (getting L. of table, half frightened) I'm sure
I don't know he'll be some time yet; if he is staying
for the Ballet.
Nio. Who has won the Kotinos of poetry? My Am-
phion was the Alutarches.
Duxx. Very likely! But he isn't now! I'm afraid
you don't quite realize what has happened to you. That
you have just been revived I suppose as it were:
That you're not in your Palace here, but mine! That
we are now in Anno Domini 1896, and that the trifling
events you're thinking and speaking of, occurred about
one thousand years B. C.; before you changed your mor-
tal flesh into Parian marble.
During this speech, NIOBE, her hand to her head, appears
to be trying to recall the past.
Nio. (as if recollecting coming down stage) Ah!
No! The gods! Knowledge returns; alas! Phrebus
and Artemis punished me Changed! Ah fate! Oh, my
unhappy fate, (kneeling, sobs bitterly)
Drxx. (L. c.) That's a settler I never can; I never
could bear to see a woman cry Never! There, don't
grieve, dear; you were turned into stone, but you've 1
turned out all right; don't cry! Please don't cry.
Nio. Ah me! That I so easily am moved.
Duxx. Well, it took eight men to carry you in here.
Nio. (crosses L.) I'll dry these tears, the cause or
my hard lot.
Duxx. The hardest lot ever put up; when you con-
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 23
sider you've gone all these years without so much as
having your nose chipped off! Why, you've been buried
for centuries. ( NIOBE looks at him in wonder) And
if they hadn't started exploring the ruins of some of
those old Temples, you'd be there still. I'm aware it's
a delicate subject with a lady, but I should estimate
you must be close on three thousand years old.
Nio. (looking at him indignantly) How?
DUNN, (backing away from NIOBE) Oh, you don't
Nio. (L.) Three thousand years! Oh, Zeus, and
now the ban, the curse of mighty Phffibus is removed.
DUNN, (c.) Yes! And Phoebus is gone, too.
NIOBE goes up L. behind and round table to c.
Nio. And all is new! Is this the Hesitaterion? The
Throni are strange, the Katoptron collossal.
DUNN. Yes, you've got to do things big now-a-days.
Nio. (approaching DUNN c.) You truly say, the ages
have rolled by; my husband, children, dead! In all the
world, I have no one but you. (taking his hand)
DUNN, (snatching hand away crosses to L. of her)
No one but me! You've no claim on me; that is I
have no claim on you!
Nio. (quickly) Ah yes! I am no ingrate; take all
my love; you gave new life to me, and I am yours.
Falls upon his neck, embracing him.
DUNN. White Elephants, what am I going to do with
her? (NIOBE turns him round to B. of her)
Nio. (holding him at arm's length) You are not
much to look at; (DUNN turns away) but your heart
DUNN. (B. c.) Now don't count upon that. And
don't indulge in expectations that can never be realized.
Nio. Your mien is soft (hand on his head) Have
you a noble name?
DUNN. Peter Amos
Nio. (gushingly) Petramos! Petramos! And I will
love Petramos, as I have loved Amphion; and there will
be no happier twain in Greece!
She has taken his hands, and now swings them about
DUNN. Yes you're mapping it all out, but it can't
be; for a variety of reasons: In the first place, we're
not in Greece, (crosses L.)
24= NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
Nio. (in wonderment, getting c.) Not in Greece?
DUNN, (returning to her) No! We're in London,
the Capital of a little Island called Great Britain, hun-
dreds of miles from Thebes.
Nio. You speak our tongue. And are you not a
DUNN. (L. c.) Not much! And we're not speaking
Greek, but English though how you picked it up is a
mystery to me.
Nio. We understand each other, that's enough. What
else there is to know, I'll learn from you, now that I'm
Nestling up to and resting against him.
DUNN, (alarmed) But you're not settled here! And
it's out of the question! (he speaks very angrily and
NIOBE starts to soft) No, no! You're a very charming
lady and personally I shouldn't object to your stopping
for a week or so, but I have a wife!
Nio. But you are Lord and could put her away.
DUNN. Oh could I! And she has an elder sister. Per-
haps you could tell me what I'm going to do with her?
Nio. It is not hard! Why, sell her for a slave!
DUNN, (goes ~L.) I should like to, but I don't think
anybody would buy Helen unless a great big life in-
surance policy went along with her; besides Slavery is
abolished, and if you weren't so ignorant you'd know
that; and know how wrong it is to fill one with delusive
hopes like these.
DUNN goes towards window.
Nio. Ah, be not angered with me, Petramos. If
you reject me, life restored is wrecked, and I shall die.
NIOBE kneels and sobs.
DUNN (returns again L. c.) Well, after three thou-
sand years, you can't complain if you have to. You've
had a pretty good innings. She's at it again. I can't
stand hearing a woman cry like this, and she is pretty,
considering what a back number she is. Don't cry, stop
it, don't cry, please there's a dear, (patting her head)
Nio. (clinging to him rise) And you do love me,
DUNN. Oh, well in a way! (NIOBE suddenly crying)
Don't! don't cry! Yes! Yes!
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 25
NIOBE instantly cheerful, standing erect.
Nio. And we will sacrifice to Dusky Dis; and pray
him to take your wife to Hades, (pose)
Duxx. But I don't want my wife to go to who's
Dusky Dis? Some Nigger Minstrel?
Nio. The stern proud God of Tartarus!
Duxx. (disgusted) Oh, he's played out long ago;
there's no such party you mustn't suppose the world
has been standing still while you've been in a state of
Petrifaction; we've been going ahead, and the gods ha.ve
had to knock under.
DUXN sits R. of table.
Nio. (c.) No Gods? No Zeus? No Aphrodite?
Duxx. Not one! Except in Heathen mythology
why you're a heathen.
Nio. I am!
Duxx. A Pagan idolater, and you'll have to be con-
Nio. I was converted.
Nio. Into stone!
Duxx. Not that! You'll have to go to school, and
learn the Piano, and the Alphabet.
Nio. Alphabet Ah! (action with hands) Alpha,
Beta, Gamma, Delta.
Duxx. (rises) Very likely! But that doesn't get
over the difficulty of what is going to be done with you;
and look at it as we will you cannot remain here.
Nio. (R. c.; after slight pause) I have no friends!
No home! Where can I go?
Duxx. Your case has not been altogether unprovided
for; as there is a home for lost dogs, so also is there an.
asylum for ladies in distress.
Nio. Can I go out into a vicious world in direst ig-
norance of all its ways?
Duxx. Oh, I don't suppose it's any worse than it was
in your time. (NIOBE sobs) You're quite right, you
can't, and it would be brutal to send you out, at this time
cf night too.
NIOBE sits on front of pedestal.
Nio. The gods, alas, are angered with me still, (sob-
Duxx. She's at it again! No wonder the gods got
26 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
tired. Don't! please don't cry; and we'll hit upon some
plan; if I only knew what to say to my family, (stands
Nio. Say whence I came and how tell them the
Duxx. Tell them what? What d'ye take me for?
Some outrageous, ridiculous lie might pass muster, but
the truth, a truth like this! you couldn't ask them to be-
lieve it. George Washington would have found this too
strong for his veracity.
Nio. (R. c.) Who is Washington?
Duxx. Oh, he was an American fghting man; you
wouldn't know him. You were before his time, (looks
at u-atch, at window) Is that the time? (goes round
table to window; NIOBE meamvhile lies full length on
stage, head to R. on stool) They'll be home from the
Theatre presently; what am I to do? (turning up from
window, comes down centre)
Sees NIOBE and covers her feet icith drapery -from piano
and goes again anxiously to window; MARY enter?
L. c., going to fire; Duxx rushes her off R. c.
Duxx. I'll ring if I require coals. I'll ring, Mary,
ring (coming down c.) Madame! Niobe! You
can't be seen like that, you must do something with
yourself ( NIOBE half rises) You'd better go upstairs
and put some of my wife's clothes on!
Nio. (kneeling) I tore my Peplos in excess of grief!
Duxx. Yes! Yes! I see you did; go upstairs, and
dress while I think out some plan.
Duxx R. as if in great worry, as NIOBE rises, moving
Nio. (turning l>ack) I fear I don't know how to
Duxx. Oh, well, 7 can't! You must try, try! up the
stairs there on the right first door when you reach
Nio. Petramos! All my will I'll yield to thine,
Do thou but clear thy brow of fretfulness.
Thy anger, linked with fury of the gods
I could not bear! I could not bear!
NIOBE exits weeping up stairs c. R., the footlights up
through this scene, to assist the comedy, now low
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 27
Duxx. (staggered sits end of couch a pause)
What an uncompleted idiot I am. My wife will recog-
nize her clothes (running to stairs, sees trunk which
he secures and brings down stage) The Governess's
trunk! If my keys will only fit it, no, no! They never
do Yes that's lucky! (raising lid of trunk and clos-
ing it again) How clever you thought yourself, Peter
Amos Dunn, when you suggested to yourself bringing
that d d Statue into the house. It isn't there! It
isn't there! (closes screen looks round straightens
room picks up drapery, etc.; crosses to mirror, re-ar-
ranges himself, tie, smooths hair, goes down L. of table
and pours himself a drink, hand shakes. He cannot get
it to his mouth; sops his handkerchief and putting it to
his brow ,crosses and sits on trunk. Loud knock at
door; Duxx jumping up; shoulders trunk and rushes
Knocking; MARY crosses R. to L. ; IXXIXGS then enters,
MARY following L. c.
I xx. Not back yet, eh?
MARY. No Sir! (going doivn L. to lamp)
I .NX. (looking at watch) Oh, well, they won't be
long, it's close upon eleven, (sits on sofa R.)
MARY. I will turn up the lamp, Sir, I thought the
Master was here.
MARY turns up lamp; lights full on.
Ixx. They'd have stretched a point and taken me
with them, but for that confounded Helen. Perhaps
they're walking, it's a beautiful night.
Duxx enters c. and R. down stairs.
Duxx. (worried and anxious down c.) Ah! that's
right, Mary, let's have a light on the subject (starts
at seeing IXXIXGS) Back before them, eh Innings?
But they can't be long it's so hot, so late what's that
is not that a carriage?
MARY. No, Sir!
Duxx. (L .c.) I said not I said not don't argue,
Mary; don't argue (has got near table, takes up
empty water jug and empty glass) Why have you no
water here? How can I be expected to wash drink
if you have no water (loud knock MARY frightened of
him rushes round front of table to R.)
23 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
DUNN backs to centre; he keeps water jug and glass
until end of act.
INN. (R.) There they are!
DUNN. I knew they'd return (knock) They'll
have to come in, won't they? (knock to MARY) Go!
Go! And open the door; don't stand there like an idiot.
MARY exits c. and L.
INN. You're very fidgetty, Dunn, what's wrong?
DUNN. Wrong! Do I look as if I was, why why
should there be anything wrong?
Savagely to INNINGS; INNINGS afraid, crosses to L. cor-
INN. I never saw you like this before.
DUNN. I never was like this before.
Falls into chair R. of table L. c.
HAT. (entering c., comes down to back of DUNN)
Peter! (DUNN starts up) It was too delightful for any-
thing. I'm so sorry you didn't come.
DUNN drops again in chair as HATTIE goes R. taking
off gloves, etc., etc.; CORNEY enters L. c.
DUNN. So am I I'd have given a hundred pounds
to have been with you.
CORN, (c., taking off gloves) Hundred pounds! Oh,
come! What for?
DUNN. Wh er It's a favourite play of mine.
CORN, (crossing to L.) Pygmalion and Galatea?
DUNN. Was that it?
CORN. Yes! Lovely girl, Galatea. Never saw any-
thing like her as the Statue.
DUNN, (starting up) Statue! W T hat's the matter
with the Statue? (rushing to screen, meets CARRIE,
who enters L. c., coming front screen) Eh! Ha! Ha!
And did you enjoy it, Carrie?
CAR. (R. c. ) Very much, Peter! (HELEN enters L. c.,
remains up c.)
DUNN, (wild and exhausted ivith worry) Ah! How
interesting those old legends are; how beautiful the
revive animating of the Statue! And if you were
told of such a wonder now-a-days, you you wouldn't
believe it perhaps.
XIOBE, ALL SMILES. 20
Music till end of act. Comic Agitato.
HEL. (coming down c.) Now-a-days, nor any other
time. No woman of ordinary intelligence could he de-
ceived by such a story.
Duxx back to audience R. c., looking anxiously from one
to the other.
CORX. (L. of table near IXXIXGS) And what's your
idea of Galatea?
HEL. (going towards chair R. of table) That she was
some infamous creature whom Pygmalion had brought
into his household; and that the Statue tale, was made
up to hoodwink his confiding wife, (sits)
CAR. Ah!! Quite possible.
CARRIE back of sofa.
Drxx. (falling on stool front of couch) No use! I
knew the truth was no use.
NIOBE enters R. c. in en eccentric but stylish tea robe.
Nio. (speaking as she advances c.) I have obeyed
you, Petramos, and I am here (all turn to her)
Duxx rises frightened, getting R. of NIOBE.
HEL. Who is this?
Dr. NX. (R. c. introducing) The new Governess,
Coux. Miss Mifton
Ixx. There! I told you so!
Looks at IXXIXGS and falls into chair L. of table, the
others grouped, scrutinizing NIOBE.
Nio. (with her accustomed action) Hail to you!
THE XEXT MORXIXG.
SCEXE. Drxx's drawing-room, the opposite end to Act
I. Conservatory with steps at back c. Bay window
.30 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
R. Plain window or blank piece above. Blank piece
or Alcove L. Door above to Library. Table R. c. ivith
chairs. Couch L. Footstool L. c. ' Screen is not on;
is supposed to be at audience side of room. Piano
against flat. Paper on table.
HELEN up c. and CARRIE at icindow R. dressed for icalk-
ing; discovered interviewing MARY, up L. c.
HEL. Can. you not tell us Mary, at what hour she
MARY. I don't know, ma'am I didn't hear her come
and I didn't let her in.
HEL. You hear Carrie, he let her in himself.
CAR. (R. c.) I don't see why we should attach any
importance to that!
MARY. No Ma'am, for she might have got in by her-
self; she is the strangest person I ever met, Ma'am.
HEL. In what way?
HATTIE enters L., goes to couch, playing with mechan-
MARY. Why, the name she gives things. She asked
me at breakfast to hand her the Mazas, and when I
didn't understand her, she called me Helot, and pointed
to the muffins.
HAT. If you're talking about Miss Mifton, she is a
treat. She's got a new name for sausages.
CAR. If she will only be good to the children.
HAT. You needn't worry about that. If you'd seen
the way she wept over them, and kissed and fondled
them. And called them Hippicus and Alophagos.
HEL. (sternly) Who are they?
HAT. Oh, I didn't like to ask some connections of
her own, perhaps.
HEL. No doubt! They are sufficiently outlandish; the
idea of a Governess, wandering about the house in an
extravagant tea gown; impertinence I call it.
MARY. I suppose we're to take our orders from you
as usual, Mum?
HEL. Yes! Certainly!
MARY. Thank ye! I don't want to have that person
lording it over me.
MABY exits L. D. with an indignant toss of her head.
CAR. (R.) She's no doubt one of those highly emo-
NIC-BE, ALL SMILES. 31
tional creatures, who grow hysterical at almost any-
HEL. (coming slightly forward) Carrie, you're so
confiding; such affectation wouldn't suit inc.
CAR. But you always were superior to ordinary
HAT. Weakness! Oh, there's no flipperty flop about
HEL. (advances towards HATTIE) Hattie! When
you are more like me, you will have more cause for
HAT. Oh! I've nothing against myself as I am.
CAR. When we return you must examine her Helen,
and find out if she is competent to teach the children.
HEL. I will, but take my word for it, the Woman is
a fraud. She knows nothing that is desirable. In
knowledge and learning she is little better than an
idiot; I could see that in her face last night.
HAT. Helen's a judge of idiots.
HEL. Hattie! You're growing more impudent every
HAT. Well, if I keep on, I'll grow out of it.
CAR. I wonder when Peter saw her at Chester that
he wasn't impressed with her appearance.
HEL. (with malicious meaning) Perhaps he was!
CAR. She might be the advanced guard of a gang of
thieves, and Peter has some such thought, perhaps, as
he has not gone to the office.
HEL. Your confiding nature does you credit, Carrie,
but you are too ingenuous. He may be actuated by mo-
tives far less praiseworthy.
CAR. What do you mean, Helen?
HEL. I would not say Carrie, for I make it a rule
never to stir up ill feeling between man and wife.
(going up c.)
I NX. (on steps) Good morning, Ladies! Corney
gone out yet?
CAR. He is still engaged with his breakfast. He is
always late after a Theatre night.
CARRIE exits c. and R.
HEL. (severely and pointedly) His indolence is a
source of great inconvenience to us all.
HELEN exits c. and R. INNINGS looking at HATTIE on
sofa crosses to window, putting hat on chair B. of
32 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
table in recess of window, produces "box of chocolate. 1 }
which he places ready for business later; then, half
frightened, gets extreme K. at window.
INN (E.) They're gone!
HAT. (on sofa) Yes! I see they are! You didn't
intend that for information did you? It was only
only just a something to say to fill up a page kind of
remark, wasn't it?
INN. (at window) That's all simply to call your at-
tention to the fact that we are alone.
HAT. Oh, you needn't have called; my attention was
rivetted; but I don't feel in the least embarrassed;
HAT. Well why aren't you embarrassed? (rises,
coming to c.)
INN. Don't see what there is about you to frighten a
HAT. I don't believe you're so bold as you pretend;
judging from the respectful distance you keep.
INN. Don't you want me to be respectful?
HAT. Why of course, but you needn't be distant.
INN. (crosses slowly to her) If I thought' by coming
nearer, I should be getting dearer
HAT. Wouldn't you be getting costly? You're pretty
INN. (B. c. getting closer to HATTIE; HAT. bus. )
So are you, Hattie. You're pretty near and pretty far,
but the nearer I am the sweeter you are. Ha! Ha!
HAT. Oh! You don't natter yourself much to think
that your proximity makes me sweeter.
Sarcastically; turning from him.
INN. To me! I mean in my opinion! Oh, Hattie!
HAT. (quickly) What is it, Philip? (whisking
INN. (turning away) I wonder how long Corney
usually takes over his breakfast.
HAT. Oh, I can go and ask him, if that's all you want
HATTIE going up L.
INN. (pulling her back by her dress; she in mis-
chief runs for chair, trying to sit upon his hat, which
he saves) Oh, Hattie! oh my! oh I I don't want to-
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 33
COBNEY enters quietly from Library up L., sees them
and goes out again.
It's good enough to stay here and go on wondering
with you. Of course I don't want to wonder by
myself. Oh, Rattle!
HAT. Oh, Mr. Innings, (gushingly)
INNINGS, kneeling beside HATTIE, embraces her; CORXEY
sings outside; HATTIE and INNINGS hurriedly get away
from each other; HATTIE goes and sits on couch L.;
INNINGS goes extreme B. to windoiv recess.
CORN, (entering L. and down c.; sings)
" When the heart in palpitating is impressed with fear,
You're pleased to find a being where there's no one near
And whisper foolish nothings no one else may hear,
That is love! That is love! "
Do you know, Phil, I've been haunted by that song
ever since you started me at it; Hattie's crazed on it
HAT. Oh, Corney! Why I'm only learning it.
CORN. Yes, but you've nearly mastered it I can see.
(looks at INNINGS) I interrupted your practice, didn't I?
HAT. (impertinently up in his face) I don't under-
CORN, (pushing her up c.) Oh, yes you do! See if
you can find my cigar case in the Conservatory; I rather
fancy I left it there last night.
CORNEY turns down stage L.; INNINGS gives HATTIE &oor
of chocolates quickly; as COBNEY turns on exclamation
HAT. Oh chocks! (to INNINGS) We can resume our
conversation some other time, Mr. Innings.
INN. I was going to ask you if we couldn't, and will
you please make a note of where we left off?
HAT. (sings) " And whisper foolish nothings no one
else may hear.
That is love! That is " Ugh! (at COBNEY)
INNINGS stands up c. looking after HATTIE, throwing
kisses to her echo's "That is love That is "
CORN, (after watching INNINGS, swings down stage
near couch) Come here Phil! Never mind Hattie,
she'll keep. Anything fresh? Have you learnt anything
34: NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
INN. There's nothing new to learn that I can see.
Madeline Mifton's here, and you've got to prepare for
the worst, (lies on couch putting his legs up.
CORN, (c.) It is the most striking coincidence I
ever heard of; that the sister of the girl I jilted should
take the place of Governess, and come here, by the
INN. Do you suppose it was accident?
CORN. Oh, come Phil you don't think it was de-
INN. I do! Didn't I tell you last evening that she
was coming to London to hunt you down?
CORN. Yes! But who could realize such persistency
outside a Goboriau Novel.
INN. Have you seen her yet?
CORN. Not this morning she's in the nursery with
the children. She's very like her sister. There's some-
thing wierd about her, but the exact type of features.
(crosses R. c.)
INN. What do you intend to do? Have you made up
CORN. Yes! (crossing back to him) I've decided
to get you to talk to her, Phil
INN. (sits up) Me?
CORN. You can give it her straight show her clearly
that I was cajoled into proposing to her sister, that it
was really Ethel's fault, and that she's entirely to blame
for the whole business, and there you are!
INN. I couldn't do it; it doesn't seem nice to throw
all the blame on to the girl.
CORN. It belongs to her, Phil besides, my boy, you
know that the least thing upsets me. I cannot stand
worry; now you can; (INNINGS rises) you have one of
those oxydised-zinc constitutions.
INN. No, I haven't! I'm just as susceptible to worry
CORN. You mean to say you won't do it?
INN. No! I can't!
CORN. You can't?
INN. (emphatically) No! Damn! there! I don't see
why I should, (crosses R. and round table)
CORN. Oh, well, then, Peter will have to do it. I'll
get Peter to talk to her. (goes L.)
INN. (up R.) That's the best way. He won't mind.
Enter DUNN from Library L. n. with scent bottle, pale
and careworn, crosses and sits on chair L. of table.
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 35
CORN. I'd rather you did it; because I shall have to
disclose the whole escapade to Peter. And he hasn't
a particularly good opinion of me as it is.
INN. I doubt if he could have a worse, so it can't
make much difference.
CORN, (seeing DUNN) Good morning, Peter (DUNN
scowls at him) Seen you before though, haven't I? (to
INNINGS) Peter looks jolly, doesn't he? Innings, you'll
find Hattie in the Conservatory looking for my cigar
case, which I have in my pocket.
INN. All right! I'll see if we can't resume that con-
versation where you broke in on it; (sings) "And
whisper foolish nothings, no one else may hear, That is
love! That is " (voice cracks)
INNINGS exits c. and R.
CORN, (after slight pause looks at DUNN) Peter,
old man! You don't look well.
DUNN. I don't feel well; I've been walking my room
the whole of the night. I haven't slept a wink.
CORN. Neither have I; but sleeplessness doesn't break
me up nearly so quickly as worry. / cannot stand
worry; and that is why I want to speak with you about
this new Governess.
DUNN, (startled) What! Why should there be any
worry about the new Governess? (aside) Can he sus-
CORN. It's no use trying to disguise it, Peter, she is
not what she seems.
DUNN, (amazed and frightened) Not what she
CORN. She hasn't come here to teach the children
DUNN, (rising) Great goodness, how did he learn
CORN. It was hard to believe, but a good look at her
face settled it; she's the very image
DUNN. Image! (aside) He knows all. (crosses L.)
CORN. I'm pretty shrewd Peter, and I suspect I've
summed up the whole business.
DUNN, (aside) Oh! He's not sure, then I won't be-
tray myself. I'll brazen it out. (sits on couch)
CORN, (aside, down R. c.) If I could only induce
him to get rid of her, without disclosing anything.
DUNN, (on sofa) I've told you before Corney, how
wrong it is to jump to these conclusions; you may mis-
judge this woman and her purpose and object entirely,
and, right or wrong, Corney, I'm blameless.
36 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
CORN, (aside) Ah! Peter knows she's unpopular
with the women and that the blame of engaging her will,
fall upon him. (fetching chair from table) That's all
very well with me, Peter! (puts chair near couch and
sits astride it, facing audience.)
DUNN, (aside) With him! That means, at the worst
I can buy him off!
CORN. But Helen and Carrie are prejudiced, and nat-
urally perhaps. You can't deny there is something un-
canny about the woman.
DUNN. There is perhaps a stony look about the
eyes; but that will wear off.
CORN. It's hard to believe that she is of the same-
clay as ourselves.
DUNN. Clay! She was never clay.
CORN. She might have been cast in a different mould.
DUNN. She's not a casting at all so
CORN. Of course there's no denying she's beautiful.
But I've a prejudice against these classic expressionless,
women; these cold 'blocks of marble.
DUNN, (as if paralyzed) Marble you do know
CORN, (looks at DUNN quickly) I know what you-
ougnt to have known the moment you saw her, that
she was not the sort of thing, that that it wouldn't,
do to have her about the house.
DUNN. I did know it, Corney, and I have tried. I
"have tried to get her away, but I can't.
CORN. Obdurate and unforgiving, eh? As I sus-
pected; she has a heart of stone.
DUNN. Well, she had; of course that was changed
with the other alterations.
CORN, (rises and puts chair back by table) What?
She relents? She wavers in her purpose? Then let
her go. The matter's simple enough: pack her off!
DUNN, (rises) But I can't! It's all so brutal.
CORN, (with foot on stool) Oh, she's told you the
whole story, eh? but remember my version will put an
entirely different light on it. And yet out of cold-blooded
vindictiveness she comes here to ruin me with Bea and
DUNN, (putting foot on stool; looks puzzled at COR-
NET pause) Have you met her before? Have you got
that former existence theory?
CORN. If you call a year ago a former existence!
( CORNET turns going R.)
DUNN. A year ago! (stumbles over stool)
CORN. Yes! When I broke off with her.
NIC-BE, ALL SMILES. 37
DUNN. Broke off! (aside) I didn't notice she had
CORN. Broke off my engagement with her sister.
DUNN, (perplexed) Whose sister?
CORN. Mifton's sister, whom I met at Cambridge.
DUNN, (aside) He's on the wrong tack; Heavens!
.What a pitfall I nearly fell into! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
DUNN goes up c., laughing heartily.
CORN, (meeting DUNN up c.) Don't laugh! Don't
laugh! I tell you
DUNN. It's too bad Corney; to let you indulge in all
this unnecessary worry, but your fears are quite ground-
less. The new Governess, Madeline Mifton, never heard
of you till last evening.
CORN. I know better, Peter! She came here in her
sister's interest, to hunt me down.
DUNN. Nothing of the kind.
CORN. I tell you I learnt, on the best of authority,
that Madeline Mifton would certainly come here for the
purpose of going for me. (crosses L.)
DUNN, (dropping into chair R. E.) Great goodness!
I'm forgetting she will be here. The new Governess,
and what will happen then? What will happen then?
MARY, (enters from Library L. u. E.) The Locksmith
is in the Library Sir, to know what is to be done.
DUNN, (looking at audience as if for screen) Oh,
the lock and staple for the screen; I'll explain it to him,
myself. Tell the Governess I wish to speak to her.
MARY exits c. and R. up steps.
CORN, (going up c.) No! Never mind, Peter I'll
tackle her myself.
DUXN. (stopping him c.) What for? when I tell you
there's no occasion.
CORN. Well, I'm not so sure of that; and I'll satisfy
myself. There's some mystery connected with her.
And I'll find out why and how she came; and all about
her. (crosses R. )
DUNN. No! No! Don't you meedle or you'll ruin
everything! (aside) He must not see Niobe till I have
-warned her. I'll run and see that locksmith and hurry
back. You remain quiet and I'll find out if you have
any cause for fear. Don't interfere, or you'll spoil
everything. Leave her to me. She's a peculiar woman,
38 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
"but I think I understand her. She's a tcoman of the-
world undoubtedly, but a little after date. Leave her
to me. Leave her to me!
Exit DUNN to Library L. D.
COBN. He seems so particularly anxious I should
leave it to him, I don't think it good enough; I would
always rather that somebody else should manage any
little unpleasantness for me, but I like to feel sure that
they're not working some little purpose of their own.
Enter NIOBE c. and L. as if looking for some one;:
Ah! Here she is good morning, Miss Mifton!
Nio. (on steps, waving her hands) Hail to you!
(comes down) Where is he whom they call master?
The lord of this house?
CORN, (aside) Umph! A poetic blank verse kind
of character (aloud) Oh, Peter!
Nio. (fondly) Ah! Petramos!
Goes down L. in front of couch.
CORN. Yes, if you put it that way; he'll be here in a
moment, Miss Mifton. Make yourself at home; take a
chair, be seated.
He goes to L. of table; his back to her as if to offer
Nio. Nay, I am easier thus.
Flops on floor with head supported on footstool; COR-
NEY turns and sees her on floor; staggered! he puts
up eye glass.
CORN, (aside) She's a decidedly eccentric creature
I hardly know how to begin with her; (aloud stooping
down) I hope you find no trouble with the children.
Nio. To love is not a trouble, and they are so like
CORN, (slight pause, he turns away slightly) She
seems partial enough to Peter (aloud stooping down
to her) Ahem! How how did you come to hear of this,
place? Was it by accident quite by chance you came
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 3<>
Nio. (looks round) By chance? Ah, yes!
CORN. Ah yes! You had no (bends down hurts
back gets chair from table, sits B., and stoops) You
had no purpose beyond the ostensible one of occupy-
ing the situation you had accepted. (speech dis-
jointed and jerky)
Nio. Your speech is meaningless; to me but the
empty rattle of a falling can.
Posing face in hands, elbows on stool.
CORN, (after regarding her suspiciously, turns to B.)
She's frank to a degree (aloud stooping) Ahem!
You did not expect you had no thought of finding me
Spoken in a conciliatory tone, trying to be agreeable.
Nio. (after regarding CORNET disdainfully per-
plexed) I'd rather Petramos should tell me what to say.
COBN. (rises and goes step to R. ; aside) Can she
have confided the affair to Peter, and is this just sim-
plicity, or only cunning?
Nio. If you like best conversing with yourself, I
shall not miss your chatter.
COBN. (quickly recovering himself) I beg your par-
don! She isn't such a fool; (sits again, crosses legs)
Excuse me. You find a great change, I suppose?
Nio. Ah yes! All things are changed, even men are
not as they were. Why do you hide your legs in those
CORN, (looks at his trousers, tries to hide his legs
aside) She must have lived among the savages, she's
a Highlander perhaps! I thought you belonged to Cam-
Nio. I was born in Athens, but I left it when I mar-
CORN. (R. c.) You are married then?
Nio. (beginning to cry) I was! Oh Amphion!!
(cries on footstool)
COBN. Oh! I beg your pardon your husband is
dead? (stooping to speak to her)
Nio. More years than I can count, (sobbing)
CORN. Ah! You don't look your age. She's trying
the idiotic dodge again, (stooping) Ahem! When did
you (gets twinge again with bending, puts away
chair and fetches low occasional chair from back of
stage, sits close to her and stoops) When did you see
your sister last?
40 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
Nio. (sits up) At the Feast of Demeter, on the
CORN. Temple steps! Taking the Battersea boat
perhaps! How did you leave her?
Nio. In sorrow. She had been early plighted to a
young Jioplite of Ithaca, named Aulakes.
CORN. Hoplite! A dancing master I suppose. It's the
first I've heard of this; she may betray more of Ethel's
secrets! (aloud) And what (trying to get lower, and
sees stool, NIOBE sitting up, has left room for him, he
steps over stool and sits) What became of the young
Nio. He fought throughout the war and fell in the
CORN, (aside surprised) Ethel can't be the Spring
chicken I believed her. (aloud) You were younger
than your sister?
Nio. Ah yes!
CORN. Ah yes I can see a resemblance, but a dif-
ference; she might be called handsome you're pretty.
Nio. Why not? Mother was as fair as Helen.
CORN. Our Helen! Oh: I don't think much of her
as a beauty.
Enter DUNN hurriedly he sees them, when he reaches
c., falls into low chair.
Nio. (rises on one Jcnee as she sees PETER) Ah!
Here is Petramos! And I no longer wish to talk with
NIOBE rises and goes L.; PETER affects indifference.
CORN, (rises) That's straight, anyway, but what she
can see in Peter beats me.
DUNN, (to CORNEY) You didn't say anything to her?
CORN. No, no! I've left it to you! (goes up, putting
Nio. (coming towards DUNN c.) He has perplexed
and frightened me with questions.
DUNN, (c., turning to CORNET R.) Now I thought
CORN, (replacing other chair) No, no! Merely ordi-
Nio. (very affectionately) I have no fear of him
now you are here.
Putting her arms round DUNN'S neck as he turns; COR-
NET, coming forward, sees them and affects to be
greatly shocked, hiding -face with newspaper.
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. , 4^
Duxx. (perplexed and affecting light indifference,
trying to get away from her) Of course not, there is
nothing to be afraid of, (to CORNEY) She's so timid,
you see Corney, she she seems to think everyone is
NIODE looks up, their faces close together.
CORN, (down c.) She doesn't seem to mind you,
DUNX. No, she's quite taken to me, and if there is
anything, Corney, I'll find out for you. She'll tell me!
As Duxx turns from NIOBE going towards CORNEY, she
keeps him back with her arms still round his neck.
He breaks away and she goes L. DUNX R.
CORX. Well, I'll leave her to you (goes up L. c.)
I confess I don't know what to make of her; she doesn't
seem the kind of person to undertake such a mission;
a resuscitated mummy couldn't appear more ignorant
of the world's ways, (aloud) Peter! Peter! Hail to
CORNEY exits centre to R.
Nio. (following him up, looks off L., then turns to
DUNN) Have you resolved truth shall be told, and all
DUNN. Truth! no! I took a feeler at that; it isn't
to be thought of.
Nio. (going R. c. towards DUNN) As my lord says
it would be well, then, to hire some slave to murder
him that's gone! (mysteriously pointing off L.)
DUNN. Murder Corney! What for?
Nio. He will betray.
DUNX. He can't he doesn't know!
Nio. But he suspects!
Duxx. Suspects the truth! Ridiculous! There may
be, well there are suspicions but they'll never take
that form; and the only difficulty is to keep up some-
thing that's possible of belief till we can provide for
you, or hear from your friends. (R. of table)
Nio. (on steps c.) Alas! have I in all the world a
DUNN. (L. H.) I suppose not! We might go round
electrifying all the Art museums; on the off chance;
there may be friends of yours in Greece, if you could
42 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
only go back to Greece, and burrow for them, (sits n.)
Nio. (coming back of table) Zeus! How desolate
I am (to DUNN) Your only thought is to be rid of
me. (weeps on table)
DUNN. (R. of table) She's at it again! No, I don't
wish to be rid of you; if I could only see some way to
manage it I should be glad for you to remain.
Nio. (raising her head) Could I not stay then, as
DUNN Umph! If I wasn't already suited. I've told
you I have a wife?
Nio. But one! The law of Thebes allows two wives.
DUNN. But the law of England doesn't; and I should
consider it a dangerous experiment if it did; besides
there are other interests in the concern. My wife would
be sure to object; and her sister would howl with indig-
nation. ( crosses L., up stage in fear of interruption.)
Nio. The sour face! (R. c.) We could invoke the
gods to strike her dumb.
DUNN. The gods don't amount to a row of pins, or I
should have put 'em on to Helen long ago! (DUNN sits
on footstool c.) You're the Governess, that's what
they've been told and that's what we have to keep up;
till we can make other arrangements.
Nio. Say clearly then, what is a Governess?
DUNN. Oh! a Governess; a Governess, is one who-
governs, according to the orders of those wno govern
her; you must try to keep up an appearance of meek-
ness and servility.
Nio. For what?
DUNN. Because you won't be allowed to govern un-
less you do.
Nio. (with dignity) I am a Queen.
DUNN. Yes, but you got lost in the shuffle!'
Nio. And my duties?
DUNN. To trot out the children, and pretend to teach,
but above all cringe to Helen say " yes Ma'am " al-
ways " Yes Ma'am."
Nio.. (proudly) "Yes Ma'am," only that, "yes
DUNN, (rising) Yes but not in that way, mind the
tone, humbly; "Yes Ma'am." (in a nasal tone and-
with a bob curtsey)
Nio. (after wonderingly regarding DUNN, imitates
DUNN'S manner) "Yes Ma'am! "
DUNN. That's better, and don't call me Petramos,
but, Master, " the Master," and above all, don't forget
to be obsequious to Helen. Agree with the old cat in
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 43.
all things, that's very important. (DUNN goes up L.,
Nio. I shall remember (goes to window B., looks
out and appears delighted) Ah see! See! The crowd!
The populace are out! Why do they hurry so? There
is no dignity in all this haste.
DUNN, (sitting on couch L.) They're not out for
dignity, there's no money in it; we haven't time for
Nio. (goes back to window) Look! See! What are
those strange chariots?
DUNN. Chariots? (crossing to look out) Oh! cabs!
Growlers! Growlers! They are called Growlers!
Nio. (following DUNN to c.) Growlers! Growlers!!
Oh, could they not be changed?
DUNN. I'll see what can be done in the matter
(NIOBE goes back to window) Go up to the nursery
now, the children will be getting anxious about you.
Nio. (at window B.) Look! Look Ixion; the man
upon the wheel.
DUNN. Where! Oh, a boy on a bicycle! Do go!
Postman's knock is heard thrice.
Nio. (coming out again) Why does he do that, is
the man a Herald?
DUNN. No, a letter carrier the postman! Postman!
Nio. Postman! (pleased) Ah! The Postman!
(amused at the sound, repeats "Postman" as she goes
DUNN. If she's so struck on the postman, what will
it be when she sees a policeman!
Nio. Oh, how they sway! Could not someone teach
them how to walk? The Maidens waddle, like web-
Imitating a modern walk to L. corner.
DUNN. Yes! You've got it, that's it (NIOBE hurry-
ing back to window, DUNN stops her) Look at 'em an-
other time go to the nursery now, and if the ladies,
my wife or her sister, send for you, do be careful, (put-
ting her up L. c.)
Nio. (returns) I will bring the children and show
how much they love me.
DUNN. (B. c.) No, no! They're not allowed in here.
Nio. (L. c.) Why, are they not yours?
DUNN. Yes, but I never attempt to prejudice them in
41 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
jny favour, I'll explain to you another time, when I'm
not so busy; I have to telegraph the real governess, to
-stop away, or we are ruined.
Nio. I don't know Telegraph what is it, Petramos?
DUNN. Why oh it's a machine er on which you
tick, tick, tick, tick at one end, and the same tick ticks
-are heard at the other end, and the tick ticks tell what-
ever you are thinking, to the party you're tick, tick,
Nio. Oh Petramos! you treat me like a child. Am
I so foolish that you mock my ignorance?
Weeps and falls on DUNN'S shoulder, embracing him;
CARRIE and HELEN enter at back c.
DUNN. She's at it again. Don't cry there's no
.money in it. I wasn't fooling you. Cheer up! there's
a darling, (stroking her hair) Poor little woman!
(CARRIE down K. ; DUNN sees her, pretends not to see
her) My dear young lady, you shall be treated with
every kindness, my wife is gentleness itself. I'm sure
if my wife were here oh, you are there, Caroline.
CAR. (R., indignantly) Yes, I am here!
DUNN. Come to this poor girl, she's homesick.
HEL. (coming down L.) And needs consolation, I ob-
At the sound of HELEN'S voice NIOBE recoils, back centre.
Miss Mifton, will you leave us?
Nio. Not at your bidding! If he, the Master, bids me
'go, I go not else. I wait his orders.
HEL. (crossing R. c. to CARRIE) You'll find mine are
the orders that are observed in this household, and you
must obey them if you wish to stay with us.
Nio. You can't suppose I wish to stay with you.
(DUNN has gone up and is now L. to DUNN) You Pet
the Master is the ruler here.
CAR. (in great tribulation; to HELEN) She called
DUNN, (crossing back of NIOBE R. c.) Yes! yes! but
I never interfere in domestic matters. Mrs. Dunn's sis-
ter manages everything, (aside as he goes back L.)
Don't forget what I told you; be obsequious.
Nio. Ah, that's well remembered. (to HELEN) I
had forgotten; I am to be obsequious to you; Yes Ma'am
and cringe to you " Yes Ma'am! " It was the mas-
ter's wish agree with the -old cat in all things, yes
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 45.
NIOBE backing up stage with speech, turns and exits
c. and R.
CAR. (goes up c., looks after NIOBE then down c.
to DUNN, who in desperation is strumming on the
piano) So Peter! you are prompting her to deceit.
DUNN. (L.) Deceit, my dear! What! Where's the
deceit? (CARRIE indignant, crosses R. )
HEL. (coming c.) It's true there was little show of
confusion, in spite of the indelicacy of the situation.
DUNN. What indelicacy? The p-or girl required
soothing, and no wonder; you'd make a chins dog home-
HEL. It did not take you long to acquire an interest
in this person.
DUNN. What d'ye mean by acquiring an interest?
She's not a joint stock company!
CAR. (R.) Oh, Peter, and we thought it was illness
kept you at home.
DUNN, (crossing to CARRIE) Carrie! My dear!
HEL. But it's obvious now why you stayed away from
CAR. And she is no prettier than I.
HEL. Some men are captivated by impudence.
DUNN, (between them) It's a wonder you've re-
mained single, so long.
HEL. I have too constant a reminder before me of
the mistake of married life, ever to venture.
DUNN. Oh! The venture would be on the other
side: you run no risk!
CAR. You must admit, Peter, that this woman, the
DUNN impatient, with an exclamation, crosses R. to
HEL. Carrie, don't make foolish remarks you may be
sorry for; to say too much is to put him on his guard.
Come (puts CARRIE over) to your room not a word
you're excited. I'll keep an eye on this Miss Mifton.
Exits, folloicing CARRIE L. D.
DUNX (taking stage R. to L.; kicking stool away)
Where will it end? What am I to do? (sitting on
couch) Send off that infernal Telegram to the real
governess. She must be detained where she is for the
present, and bought off; I shall have to go to Learning-
40 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
ton, see her, and bribe her to take some other engage-
ment, and I don't know how I am to do it!
Enter INNINGS c. K.
INN. (coming down) If I can find Corney
DUNN (aside) Ah! Innings! Here's the very man!
(DUNN shakes INNING'S hand bringing him down on
his R.) Innings, how are you glad to see you! I don't
know that I ever met a man that I took to more readily
than I did to you.
IN:S. (R. c.) Ha! Ha! Well! What favour do you
want me to do for you?
DUNN. Favour! Oh! I wanted you to travel.
DUNN. Yes! It isn't far! You have lots of time on
INN. (R. c.) I don't travel on my hands! I couldn't
go to-day. To-morrow early, if you like?
DUNN. (L. c.) It would be better to-day, but to-mor-
row will do.
IXN. Have I nothing to do but travel? Isn't there
DUNN. Oh yes! I can trust you I know. I want you
to go to Leamington for me, to see a Miss Mifton, who
is coming here as governess.
INN. Coming! I thought she was here!
DUN. Eh! Oh no! This is another one, she's not
the same that is a different one to the other. There
are lots of them at this time of year; the woods are full
INN. Of what?
DUNN. Miftons! (going across R.) I'm getting so
muddled, I have to send a telegram I'll explain as we
go. Give me your arm. (going up c. arm in arm) I'm
bilious I mean I'm weak this morning. I oh this de-
ception there's no money in it.
Enter BEATRICE c. from R., as DUNN and INNINGS are
INN. Good morning, Miss Sillocks!
DUNN. Good morning, Bea. Have you stepped in to
see Hattie? (calls) Hattie! Hattie! (turning round
with INNINGS on his arm) You'll find her in the Tele-
graph office back in a jiffey! Where are you Innings?
(turning) Oh, there you are. Come along!
NIC-BE, ALL SMILES. 47
DUNN exits with INNINGS c. and B.
BEA. (down B.) Something has excited him.
HATTIE enters L. D.
HAT. Good morning, Bea!
BEA. (kissing her) Good morning, dear. How are
HAT. Flourishing! You look quite serious this
morning! What's the matter, Bea?
BEA. (B. c.) I have had a shock.
HAT. (c.) Galvanic?
BEA. No, no! Well, an unpleasantness a letter.
HAT. It wasn't from Corney then?
BEA. No! From a Miss MiftonT
HAT. Madeline Mifton? Why it's our new gov-
BEA. (goes c.) But she writes from Chester. See!
there's the postmark.
HAT. (looking) Why, it's three weeks old; been all
over the country, misdirected! What's in it?
BEA. She has seen something of my intended mar-
riage with Corney in some of the Society papers, and
asks for his address.
HAT. That is suspicious, isn't it? But I dare say
Corney can explain, (aside) He's good at explaining
(aloud) I wouldn't let it worry me.
BEA. I will not, if Corney assures me I've no reason
HAT. Oh, he'll do that! Did you find out if it's true
that Peter had a sister?
BEA. Oh yes! Papa says Mr. Dunn's sister is a most
HAT. Fancy that! and I never even heard of her;
that's Helen's doings (HELEN speaks off) Mum! She's
HATTIE and BEATBICE go L. to couch, as HELEN and CAB-
BIE enter L. D.
HEL. (c.) Good morning, Miss Sillocks! How is
HAT. Do tell, Bea. Helen has great interest in your
papa, he's a widower; and Helen is " nuts " on wid-
HEL. Hattie! Tell the new Governess we wish to
48 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
HAT. (L.) Don't get excited Bea. She is prettyv
but I don't believe she's Corney's kind.
HATTIE exits up steps c. and R.
CAR. (crossing R.) We have engaged a Miss Mif-
ton to superintend the children's education; but Heleu
has doubts as to her competency.
HEL. It will not take five minutes to satisfy our-
selves; I'll put a few questions to her, and if she can-
not answer them satisfactorily a fortnight's wages, in
lieu of notice, will have to satisfy her. (sitting R. c.,
front of table; CARRIE sits R. of HELEN)
Enter HATTIE c. from R., NIOBE following; HATTIE goes
down L. to BEA.; NIOBE c., top of steps.
BEA. What a lovely woman! Oh, Hattie! I believe
Corney has been in love with her.
HAT. Oh, nonsense!
Nio. (on steps) Hail to you!
HATTIE and BEA. on couch; all surprised; NIOBE ad-
CAR. Sit down, Miss Mifton!
Nio. Thank you! I am not tired, and stand to take
HEL. I wish to ask you a few questions, Miss Mifton,
to see if you are capable of the training and instruction
of the young. You write and cypher, of course? I need
Nio. (standing c.) I would not then. Why speak
of what is needless!
HEL. (after business of looking at NIOBE) What is
your definition of Geography?
Nio. It matters not since I am authorized to bow
my will to yours; what you would have it say and
that it is.
HELEN turns and looks at CARRIE.
HAT. (laughing) Just the thing for you Helen; you
can have it all your own way, (an educational Phono-
graph). You breathe in what is to be learned, and she'll
breathe it out again.
HEL. (R. c. to CARRIE) This sounds like prevarica-
tion, (to NIOBE) You would not have me describe the
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 49
divisions of the land and sea; tell you the names of the
Nio. Oh, yes, I would; that is, if you know them.
HEL. Know them -
HELEN rising CABRIE calms and soothes HELEN, who
HAT. Ha! Ha! She doesn't! She doesn't!
CAR. Hattie! Do not interrupt the examination.
HEL. (re-seated) It's not a question of what / know,
Miss Mifton, I'll undertake to say, you don't know
what a Continent isf (pause) You don't!
Nio. (c.) I don't! I was to agree with you in all
HEL. If I asked you to name the Capital of Norway
or the location of the Red Sea, what would you say?
Nio. (at a loss pauses then in imitation of DUNN'S
voice, curtseying) Yes Ma'am!
HEL. Do you call that an answer? (rises angrily
CARRIE soothes her)
Nio. Yes Ma'am! (HELEN sits again)
BEA. She looks intelligent; this must be all pre-
CAB. She has better knowledge, perhaps, of home af-
HEL. (seated) What was the cause of the last War?
Nio. (c., confidently) A quarrel which broke out,
upon the rights of which I would not speak, for it was
ended nearly when I was born.
HEL. (turns slightly from NIOBE) We don't want to
know your age.
HAT. How many years did it last?
HAT. Oh, she is a treat!
HEL. Be quiet, Hattie! Can you play the Piano?
Nio. I cannot tell you that, for I have never tried.
HEL. That's meant for impudence, I suppose.
Nio. (confused curtseying) Yes Ma'am!
HEL. (rising) You must be an idiot, or it is possi-
ble, you believe me one?
Nio. (curtseying) Yes Ma'am!
laughing; HELEN frowns, falls into seat; CARRIE
rises; enter DUNN c., endeavours to get off L., meets
COBNEY from L. D. ; DUNN comes down L. of NIOBE;
COBNEY down L. to BEA. and HATTIE; BEATRICE after-
wards shows COBNEY letter, COBNET protesting in
tjO NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
CAR. Peter! Peter! this girl appears to be ignorant
on every subject!
DUNN. (L. c.) Why, of course, if you've been asking
her things she doesn't know!
HEL. (seated) She won't do, Peter. Her mind is a
DUNN, (crossing to HELEN) Yes! On trivial mod-
ern accomplishments, perhaps, but have you asked her
anything about Ancient history?
DUNN. Have you spoken Greek to her?
DUNN. I thought not! Even you don't know every-
thing, (as DUNN turns to NIOBE, she tries to embrace
him; he avoids her, and crosses quickly to CORNEY)
Corney, ask her something about Ancient history; the
more Ancient the better.
CORN. (L.) I've forgotten all I ever knew.
DUNN. That doesn't matter, she'll answer you all
CORN. Where was Homer born?
Nio. In Scios!
DUNN. There you see! First go!
CORN. (L. H.) What were the er names of the
Nio. (c.) Clio, Calliope, Euterpe, Erato, Melpomene,
Polyhymnia, Terpsichore, Thalia, Urania.
DUNN. (crossing to HELEN) Cyclopaedias! What
more do you want?
HEL. (facing audience) What good will it do the
children to know the names of the Muses?
DUNN. (R. c.) Oh, I beg your pardon! We don't
pay enough attention to Ancient history now-a-days.
(DUNN crosses again to CORNEY, L.) Corney, speak
Greek to her.
HATTIE and BEATRICE have gone up c.
CORN. Can't! "Hoi polloi " is the only expression
DUNN. Well, go on, give her that!
CORN. Hoi polloi!
DUNN. Hoi polly! Give her time now give her
HEL. She is no use whatever! She can't even play
HAT. (L. c.) How do you know! She has never
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 51
exits laughing, with BEATRICE c. and R.
DUNN, (comes down L. c.) Well, if she can't, the
Piano is not so very desirable for young children; and
she may be great on the Triangle or the Jew's harp.
CORN. And no doubt Miss Mifton will soon learn if
you insist on it. (aside) I must keep the right side of
HEL. (rises) Absurd! She has not the intelligence
of an insect.
Nio. (c.) It is not a necessity, for I am beautiful.
It is such as you who need intelligence.
CORN. Phew! That's a facer!
HEL. (rises fiercely) Minx! How dare you!
Nio. (clinging to DUNN as she recoils from HELEN,
to L. of DUNN) Petramos! I ask protection from this
DUNN. Of course! Yes! Helen, you're too severe.
Nio. (L. c., rising) Helen! Ah! Like her of Troy,
at whom the finger of scandal pointed, (pose, as if de-
HEL. It is false! The story is untrue!
CAR. Be calm, Helen!
DUNN turns up c., back to audience, shaking with laugh-
HEL. (R. c.) How dare you hint at scandal against
me; but such innuendos will not deter me. Peter! This
woman leaves this house, or I do!
Nio. (L. c.) Then there is little doubt which of us
two will go. He'd sooner fifty fold, that I should stay.
DUNN, (turning round c.) I must endorse that tru-
ism, if it ruins me. / would! Damme! there! (turns
-again up stage)
HEL. Caroline, you hear!
CAR. (R. c.) Peter, after this you must see that it
is absolutely necessary for this person to depart.
CAKRIE softs in HELEN'S arms.
CORN. Confound Helen! Mifton will be on to me
Enter INNINGS from L. D., drops down L.
HEL. (R. c.) Carrie, you have been patient and long
suffering, but there is a limit.
52 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
DUNN, (c.) Yes! There is a limit. And you've
gone it. It's my say now, and I am reckless, and may
raise the devil!
Nio. (kneeling and clinging to him) Petramos, re-
strain! Be merciful! Invoke not now the curses of
DUNN. Oh, hang the gods! Be quiet, you only make
Nio. (bursting into tears, rising and falling on
DUNN'S neck) Oh, Petramos!
CABBIE sees the situation, and sobs loudly.
DUNN, (c.) She's at it again!
COBN. It's a shame poor girl why
INN. (aside to CORNEY) Don't waste your super-
fluous sympathies, that is not Miss Mifton at all.
CORN. What! Can it be the women are right in their
suspicions? What a blackguard Peter is!
HEL. (embracing CARRIE) When you have finished
comforting that shameless creature, you may observe
your wife needs consolation.
DUNN. Certainly! Corney! comfort my wife, can't
CORN. (L. of NIOBE) Don't try to make me a party
to your vile intrigues! (goes to L. corner)
DUNN. What's come to you? (DUNN tries to get at
CORNEY, but turns back to CABBIE) Listen to me, Carrie!
I admit circumstances are
CAB. Go away! I never wish to speak to you again!
They go up c.; DUNN going L. ; CARRIE R.
HEL. (R., to NIOBE) Begone, Hussy! Leave the
Nio. (c.) Not at your bidding. Petramos is lord,
and Petramos decrees that I abide with him! (as if
going to DUNN)
OMNES. (strong) Oh, Peter!!! (NIOBE gets over
E., up stage)
DUNN, (wildly excited, coming down it. c.) In a
sense, Miss Mifton is right. She came here with an ir-
reproachable character and the highest references, and
as the Master of the house, knowing nothing to her dis-
credit, I am responsible for her. Miss Mifton is here
and for the present must remain, (goes to B. of CORNEY)
HAT. (who has entered c. and has tried to get a
word with DUNN, taking up DUNN'S tone) That's what
I tell her, but she insists it can't be.
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 53
HEL. Of whom are you speaking?
HAT. The lady here, who is asking for Mr. Dunn.
DUNN. (L. c.; facing audience) What lady? What's
"her business? Who is she?
Turns and confronts Miss MIFTON, who has entered c.
and just reached L. c.
MIFT. The new Governess, Miss Mifton!
NIOBE advances R. c. close to Miss MIFTON, who turns
and recognises her dress.
DUNN. (L. c.) The other Mifton!
CORN. (L.) Another Mifton!
LADIES. Two Miftons! What infamy!
NIOBE and Miss MIFTON stand looking at each other;
NIOBE doing her usual action of "Hail to you!" Pic-
ture of consternation and surprise, by other char-
acters as curtain falls.
N. B. No Second Picture. Company Call.
TIME. The same day as Act II. A few hours later.
SCENE. Another side of the same room. The fireplace
centre, the bay window cornerwise L. of fireplace;
the hallway R. u.; screen below it; ichen open, covers
a door down R.; couch and piano off; table is L. c.;
chairs, etc.; low chair at a small table against scene
down L.; fire in fireplace.
HELEN discovered seated R. of fireplace; CARRIE seated
L. ; CORXEY, back to fireplace, standing smoking.
HEL. (R. c., seated) There is nothing left us but
departure. Mr. Dunn's falsehoods, and the woman's
shamelessness, render any further stay impossible. We
are decided to leave his roof.
CORN. Certainly! Leave him the entire house; you've
raised it about his ears, you can't do more.
5i NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
CAR. How he has deceived us!
HEL. What lies he has told us.
COBN. Hasn't he? Beauties! What a political future
for a man who could lie like Peter!
CAR. I'm appalled to find he is so wicked.
CORN. And mad to think you never suspected him.
You feel so mean at having been fooled, don't you? Why,
I positively looked up to him. Ah! It's the same old
story, scores of presumably, blameless, spotless men,
only waiting to be found out.
CAR. (rises) We cannot longer remain under the'
same roof with him.
Doicn to table, packing trinkets in small "bag on table.
HELEN rises and goes to cabinet up R.
CORN. Of course not, and the only question is, who's
to quit! We can, but why shouldn't he? There's four
of us, and only one of him.
HEL. And her, the woman, (crossing to table with
CORN. Yes! Well, it would be far less trouble to ar-
range for us to remain, and let him go, and take her
along ivith him.
HEL. AND CAR. (CARRIE turning quickly from win-
HEL. How can you suggest such a breach of pro-
priety? (back to cabinet for another small treasure)
CORN. I can't see that it's worse than leaving them
here. Beside it would save the inconvenience of pack-
ing, and as far as I'm concerned, I don't relish getting
out of my comfortable quarters for a trifle, (sits in
chair R. of fireplace, stretching himself)
HELEN crossing to table L. c. with vase CARRIE packing
with tissue paper, and placing in bag on table.
HEL. A trifle?
CORN. Well, say a serious little thing!
CAR. She is not a serious little thing! (CARRIE rings
bell on table L.)
CORN. It's foolish to hurry our departure in any case.
Give them time, and we may find they have eloped, and
left us in possession. (CORNEY gets L. of fireplace on
CAR. How can you hint at anything so shocking?
(at table L., getting photo) If Peter can clear himself,.
I will give him one more opportunity.
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 55
HEL. (taking photo out of CABRIE'S hand) And one
more chance for new and greater falsehoods, (crosses
back to cabinet R. and puts down photo , MARY enters
from hallway R., front of them)
CAR. Where is Mr. Dunn?
MARY. (R. c.) He's gone, Ma'am!
CORN, (rises quickly) There! What did I say?
HEL. (advancing R.) Gone! Gone where?
MARY. Gone out, Ma'am!
CAR. And Miss Mifton is she in the house?
MARY. Yes Ma'am, both of them. The one, the first
one, was on the pint of going out, but Miss Mifton, the
second, stopped her and says: "No you don't, not in
them clothes; take my frock off," she said, and the
high words they've been having you might have heard
HATTIE enters R. c.
HAT. (R. c.) A downright quarrel over the nursery
CORN. Well, if I'm a judge of character, number two
could hold her own.
HAT. Oh, the other's no duffer.
HEL. Hattie! Such language. (MARY exits R. to hall-
HAT. She has such dignity, she's withering. She
curled the new one up, I can tell you.
HEL. And where are they now?
HAT. Number one is on the roof.
INNINGS enters R.
INN. (entering) I say, it's awful, you know, there's
a crowd collecting in front of the house; I think they
imagine it's a sleep-walking seance
Shouts of mob off L.; all run to window except INNINGS
HEL. (returning) What do they want?
CORN. What's the matter? What is it?
INN. One of the Miftons, the Governess, is on the
Shouts; same business as before.
HEL. What a disgrace!
CAR. What is she doing on the roof?
56 NIC-BE, ALL SMILES.
HAT. I don't know, the step ladder was there, and
she ran up through the skylight, she's calling out
Phoebus! Phoebus! and waving her arms about like
this. (HATTIE down R., and comes over again)
HEL. Tell her to come down.
CORN. She must belong to some new sect that has
taken up the old Pagan idolatry.
INN. Yes! That's it! She's calling on the gods.
Shouts; all to window again.
CAR. But why up there why upon the roof?
HAT. Thinks she's getting nearer to 'em, up there.
CORN. Tell her to try the upper story of a residential
HAT. Or the top of the Eiffel Tower.
HATTIE exits to hall R. u. E.
INN. (following) If she would like to go up in a
balloon, I shall be delighted
INNINGS exits R.
HEL. When will our humiliation cease? (crosses R.)
Miss MIFTON enters R. u. E.
MIFT. (R. c.; speaking as she enters) I will not
put up with it you will pardon me troubling you; but
if I cannot get my rights any other way, I must send for
CORN. I fancy the Cook's got a mortgage on him!
(comes down L.)
CAR. (L. c.) What is it you want, Miss Mifton?
MIFT. (indignantly, c.) My wearing apparei, Mrs.
Dunn! That imposter is in possession of my trunk, and
is still wearing some of my dresses.
HEL. What insufferable impudence?
CAR. Have you asked her to give them up?
MIFT. I did more than ask; I insisted; I commanded
her to take my property off her back; and she replied,
by imploring Artemis, to strike me dumb, (puts her
hands up a-Za-NiOBE)
HEL. Artemis, who?
CORN. Artemis Ward, of course. She meant it in
some humorous way, probably.
CAR. (L. c.) What a vindictive wretch she must be.
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 57
MIFT. (R. c.) The most annoying part of it is she
Avon't lose her temper; she simply waves me off, and
eays, " The audience hour is noon."
CORN. (L.) A new way of implying "At home,
Thursdays, 12 to 2."
CAR. Miss Mifton, will you please he patient, and
silent, too; endeavour to spare us the pain of a great
MIFT. You may rely on my discretion, Mrs. Dunn.
HEL. Be prepared to leave with us, and have the
MIFT. I'll do my best, but she has set the dear pets
against me. They won't leave her side.
CAR. (crosses R. to HELEN) Oh, Helen, this is the
bitterest blow of all.
HEL. (following CARRIE down R.) Don't despair Car-
rie. Miss Mifton is, as yet, new to them; you at least
will be able to lure the darlings from the pernicious
Crosses to table and gets Jiand-bag.
CORN, (aside) If I can get a chance, I'll have my
little business out with Miss Mifton at once.
HEL. (crossing back with hand-bag) We will see
to the children ourselves, Miss Mifton. (crosses R. of
CARRIE) Come Carrie, we must first send to a Hotel
and secure rooms! The very air here seems loathsome.
HELEN exits with CARRIE R. i. E.
CORN. Yes, there's an escape of gas somewhere.
MIFT. (looks after CARRIE and HELEN then speaks
down R. aside) He's here! Now is my opportunity
to endeavour to obtain my sister's letters.
CORN. (L. aside) The annoyance she's meeting with
will make her more spiteful to me. I must pacify her
the first thing, (aloud) We deeply regret the vile
treatment you have received. I myself am pained be-
yond measure at the ignominy you have suffered.
(DUNN enters R. u. E., as if from street, with paper par-
cel, puts down hat on cabinet, up R.) And if it were
not for the ties of relationship, Mr. Dunn should an-
swer to me for his dastardly conduct.
DUNN, (coming down c.) Should he? If you will
only show your authority for questioning, Mr. Dunn is
prepared with unlimited replies.
CORN. I have merely the authority of equity and com-
53 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
Duxx. Justice for whom?
During following scene CORXEY bullies Duxx very con-
CORX. (L. c.) Justice for all.
DUNN, (c.) That's rather a large order, isn't it?
and you might find your portion of it, a little more
than you bargained for; as for the little inconvenience
Miss Mifton has experienced
MIFT. (R. c.) It is no small matter, Mr. Dunn, to
have your trunk seized and your dresses appropriated.
CORN. Even her very name has been stolen.
DUNN. How do you know? I suppose there may be
other Miftons? (to MIFTON) You don't quite claim a
monopoly for the name, do you Mifton?
MIFT. It's a remarkable coincidence, that I should
find a person of my name, occupying my situation.
DUNN. You were so long coming to fill it. You threw
away your chances.
MIFT. I merely delayed to call upon some friends.
CORN, (going to DUNN c.) The fact of Miss Mifton
being delayed is no excuse for the pretence.
DUNX. But it accounts for the mistake. We had en-
gaged a Miss Mifton, and a Miss Mifton came; it was
a case of first come first serve.
MIFT. But she appears here in my tea gown she's
wearing my clothes.
DUNN. That's your fault again for sending them on.
If you had come in them, it couldn't have happened.
And there's no desire to keep your clothes. The lady
will get some made with all possible dispatch. I have
here samples of materials that I have obtained for her
to select from, (showing parcel)
N. B. This parcel contains a number of small sample
cuttings of dress goods, a printed measure form to
fill up, tape measure and pencil.
CORX. You take a remarkable interest in this woman.
DUXN. The interest one naturally feels for the un-
protected. She is an Orphan; of long standing; she
is misjudged and suffering an injustice.
CORXEY goes up to window L.
MIFT. (R. c.) You are strangely blind to my griev-
ances, Mr. Dunn. You engaged me as Governess, and I
came here to teach your children.
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 50
DUNN, (c.) No! No! Let us be correct. You came
here to hunt down the gay deceiver (indicating COR-
NKY, ivho comes quickly down to him c.) who trifled
with the young affections of a confiding Mifton.
CORN, (aside to DUNN) Don't be a fool Peter; she'll
put up the damages, a couple of thousand, on a remark
like that, (aloud) What reason have you to suppose
who could have told you such was the object of the
DUNN, (c.) You told me yourself, and asked me to
speak to Miss Mifton.
CORN. (L. c.) Not that one!
DUNN. But you meant that one. Why, the other
hasn't had a sister for years and years. And it's the
sister you had broken off with, (goes up and unties
parcel at cabinet R. )
CORN. (R. ) I never said she was broken off.
MIFT. (comes down R. c.) I admit I took the en-
gagement for the purpose, if it proved the same, of
speaking with Mr. Griffin of my sister; and if he still
loved her, to prepare him for the worst.
CORN, (with mock grief) What! Is she dead? My
bonny Ethel, a thing of the past! Oh!
^ Falls into chair R. of table.
MIFT. (crosses to CORNEY) No! No! Not that, Mr.
Griffin; my sister still lives.
CORN, (rises) Oh, I see; you mean the worst if I
refuse to compromise. Of course, it is to be regretted
that mercenary motives should creep in, where once
love reigned. And your case is not a strong one, Mr.
Dunn will tell you
DUNN, (at table, arranging his patterns under news-
paper) No, Mr. Dunn won't. Don't drag me into your
vile deceptions. I've enough to worry with my own.
CORN. Why can't Ethel let by-gones be by-gones; she
must know I was an impressionable young jackass; that
we never could be happy together, at least I couldn't,
and she is very wrong, very wrong, to insist on marry-
MIFT. (c.) She does not. How could she when she
is already married?
CORN, (bus.) Married! Oh, Miss Mifton oh
(aside) oh, this is lovely! (going to i.. corner)
DUNN. Oh, what luck some people have?
MIFT. (c.) I came to plead to your generosity; her
husband believes she was never engaged before! She
(JO NIC-BE, ALL SMILES.
dreads you might disclose her deception, and expose her
CORN. Ah! How she has misjudged me; I forgive
her freely; she shall have her letters
MIFT. Thank you!
CORN. In exchange for mine, of course. It must be
a sound reciprocal arrangement.
MIFT. Yes! Yes! I have them in my trunk.
CORN. Good! When you are packing, I will take
DUNN, (coming down) And as you have now thor-
oughly accomplished the object of your coming, Miss
Mifton, there is nothing further to detain you. I wish
you good day. (taking her hand) I'm sorry you had
so much trouble, but compensation will of course
MIFT. (withdrawing her hand, indignantly, and go-
ing R.) You are mistaken, Mr. Dunn. I could never
consent to leave the ladies in their distress.
CORN, (crosses to Miss MIFTON) That sentiment
does you credit, Miss Mifton! Don't be intimidated, I
will stand by you.
MIFT. \excitedly) I will not! (crosses c., DUNN
running L.) I will send for an officer. I will demand
my clothes I cannot pack my dress while it is on the
back of that person.
v> Going hurriedly R. and exits R. u. E.
CORN, (following her up) No! have it off! have it
off! Send for the police.
DUNN. (L. c.) Do you know you're spreading insub-
ordination, Cornelius Griffin, and breeding contempt for
me; the constituted authority of this house?
CORN, (returning c.) I can't help that, Peter, I must
stand up for the innocent and oppressed.
DUNN, (c.) Must you! How long has this wave of
virtuous indignation been raging along your seaboard?
CORN. (K. c.) For several minutes! Aroused by the
vile treatment of poor little Mifton; it was contemptible
to seize her trunk and pick the lock, (goes R.)
DUNN, (following CORNEY closely) I did not. I only
picked the key; and it was only by the merest chance
that it fitted.
CORN, (backing DUNN to c.) But you have the
nerve to utilize the contents of the said trunk to deck
-out your precious beauty!
Crosses to L. it.
DUNN, (follows CORNEY) What d'ye mean by deck
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. Gl
out? She's not a shop window, and don't call her my
beauty, I have never made any special claim to comeli-
CORN. Oh, come Dunn! (gets L. of table)
DUNN. (R. of table) Don't, Oh come Dunn me!
CORN, (turns on DUNN across table) I had a high
opinion of you once.
DUNN, (same business) I never had a high opinion
of you at any time.
CORN. I was mistaken.
DUNN. I wasn't! You're no good you're not solid;
you've about as much vertebral support to you as a rub-
ber pipe; you haven't the pluck to stand by your own
torn-fooleries, but shift the blame on to others.
CORN, (across table) You never will understand
how necessary it is for me not to worry. The doctor
says I cannot both worry and live.
DUNN, (across table) Then worry and die! I've
had enough of this scapegoat business. You can allot
me shares in a newer enterprise, (sits R. of table)
CORN, (crossing behind table to c.) And this is
your gratitude to me for letting you down easy?
DUNN, (turning fiercely) Letting me down easy!
CORN, (c.) Why certainly! Being, so to say, sul-
lied with my smaller vices has served to break your fall,
hasn't it? If you had possessed a spotless reputation,
the effect of your collosal villainy now would be para-
DUNN, (aghast) My collosal villainy!
CORN. It's bad enough as it is. Carrie has washed
her hands of you; they are preparing to depart.
DUNN. Preparing to depart! What for?
CORN. (R. c.) What for? You must see that I can-
not allow my sisters to remain longer under your roof.
(turns from DUNN)
DUNN. Then take 'em away; you can take Helen
away, and Hattie too, I can even spare Hattie, but
Carrie ceased to be your sister when she became my
wife; she is going to remain, (goes to low chair L., is
about to sit)
CORN, (c.) There! I said you'd be agreeable to
that. My argument was, that if somebody must go, it
would be better for you to get out.
DUNN. Better for me to get out!
CORN. Yes! You have only one trunk to pack! The
girls have two each, and I have another, that's seven.
DUNN. Yes, it's seven to one against me; but I de-
cline to be the outsider, (sits L.)
2 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
CORN. Well, don't be too hasty in deciding think it
'over. I shall not pack my traps till I hear from you,
and I rely on your good sense to show you the value
of my suggestions; Peter, you nearly worried me that
CORNET exits R. i. D.
DUNN. Why! Why didn't I tell the truth at first,
as Niobe suggested. It might not have been believed; it
wouldn't have been, but I could have stuck to it in-
stead of floundering about, and getting up to my neck
in a quicksand of equivocation, (rises, going c. ) If I
can only get a dress made for her to go out in, I'll send
her to my sister, Mabel who would believe whatever
I might tell her. (turns to table back to audience)
Enter NIOBE R. u. E. comes down R. c.
Nio. (not seeing DUNN ichen first entering) Ah me!
I would I were a stone again! Anything were better
than to suffer such indignities as now I meet. Petra-
mos! you will remove my cares as Eos lifts the sable
pall of night.
DUNN. I don't know anything of Knight's pall. Don't
talk undertaking business. What is it?
Nio. That daughter of Athena claims these robes,
the which you gave me yester e'en.
DUNN. Oh well, for the sake of peace give them to
her. Avoid war if you can. There's no money in it.
Nio. (following Jiim slightly c.) Why yield to her
when we might ostracise her?
DUNN. Because she'll call in the police if she hasn't
already done so.
Nio. Perlice? Is that some portion of the things
DUNN. No, no! Police the Police the gentlemen
v - ho guide and direct us of whom we enquire the time
the officers of justice. They keep the peace where
nobody can find it .
Nio. Ah, the custodians of law and order? (DUNN
nods affirmatively) Why, we have but to fill their hands
with bribes. ^
DUNN. What! They were the same in the old time!
We've trouble enough in the house without getting the
police in. Of course, you couldn't foresee the mischief
you were doing, but you've ruined me. ( NIOBE starts)
NIOBE. ALL SMILES. 63
Yes, ruined me. My wife will leave me, and my family
be scattered to the fore and hind quarters of the globe.
Crosses R. and rests head against side of screen.
Nio. (sees and takes paper knife from table) If I
have wrecked your pleasure, let me die. You gave new
life to me; 'tis yours, take it away.
Kneeling, offering paper knife with outstretched hands.
DUNN. With a paper knife! You can't remove ex-
istence in that off-handed way. You're flesh and blood
now and it would be murder. If you were only elec-
trified back to stone now, if you were only stone dead.
Nio. (rises throws knife up stage) I'll rouse again
the wrath of High Olympus, (crosses R.)
DUNN, (annoyed) I've told you the firm went to
smash long ago. Do be rational. You must go and give
that woman her frock. Put on your own dress your
stone dress, till we can get you one made to go out in.
(gets back of table a-la-shopman) I have here samples
of materials and a choice variety of colours for you to
;select from, (takes newspaper off patterns)
Nio. Ah, Petramos! How good you are? (takes up
patterns and places them on stage, kneeling, interested^
and sorting them)
DUNN, (coming down L.) I was afraid to bring the
dressmaker into the house, but I have full instructions
here for measuring you. (coming down L. with printed
form, taking out pencil and tape measures, which he
hangs about his neck)
Nio. (on stage c., spreading out samples) It will be
hard to choose from such a store of prettiness.
DUNX. (placing form on table) Yes, if you'd had
about two, you might have come to a decision. Don't
scatter them about, you haven't time to play patience
now. I suppose it doesn't matter much where I begin
on her, so that I fill up the form! (he measures length
of back, 18, crosses to table and writes it down) 18.
Nio. This pink and grey would be the sweetest match
If this dress is the fashion it becomes me well.
DUNN, (returning to R. of NIOBE) Stand up, please
(placing her arm to measure sleeve, NIOBE puts arm full
up, DUNN goes up to door R., returns to NIOBE and
places arm in position; measures, 6. 13. 2-}., crosses to
table) 6. 13. 24.
Nio. (c.) May I, too, have a full accordion skirt?
64 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
Duxx. (coming lack to R. of NIOBE) Oh yes, with
concertina sleeves; and harmonican puffs if you like.
Nio. As you decide. Whom have I in the world but
you! (going to embrace Duxx, as he places arm to
measure bust; NIOBE attempts to embrace him as he
puts his hand around to measure her; Duxx gets the
measurement and bobbing under arm, goes to table)
Duxx. Thirty-nine, (writes thirty-nine)
Nio. Why I am forty times as old as you. I think
that grey would suit me.
Duxx. (returns to c. L. of NIOBE, bringing card form
with him; he goes to measure her waist she embraces
him ad lib. He falls on his knees and takes measure-
ment) Waist 36. (CARRIE enters R.; NIOBE gets over on
his L.; he measures skirt and sees CARRIE'S foot, she hav-
ing entered during business; Duxx falls flat on stage,
muttering measurement and gathering up loose patterns,
pushing them into his vest.
CAR. (R. c., indignantly to NIOBE) I had some busi-
ness with my husband, but I can wait.
Nio. (L. c.) Oh no! We would not have you wait.
He's here and you may speak.
CAR. (R.) You're too gracious. I came, Peter, un-
known to Helen, to see if you could not remove my
doubts; and I find you, as usual, in open unblushing
companionship with this woman.
Duxx. Open! Yes open! There is no deception.
None. ( rising)
CAR. You loved me once, Peter.
Nio. (crosses to CARRIE) He loves you still. His
heart is yours; you cannot grudge me a little corner
Duxx. (at table, putting doivn patterns) She wants
a corner on it.
CAR. How can I bear this infamous creature's inso-
Duxx. Carrie, you don't understand; she's not in-
CAR. You defend her!
Duxx. I'd defend anyone who's unjustly accused.
CAR. (crying R.) If you are bewitched, confess it;
say you are under the spell of this fair Siren.
Nio. (crying c.) The Siren's lured Odysseus with
melody and song. I have not played or sung here to
Duxx. Now they're both at it. Here's a chance for
the gods! Carrie, there's no spell in the business.
NIOBE, ALL SMILEb. C5
CAR. (R.) Ah! Why do I protest. I might have ex-
Drxx. (crossing to CARRIE) I did expect it. The
moment I saw her, I knew you would object to her being
CAR. What self-respecting wife would not? (cries
Drxx. (going to seat L. corner) Now we're all at it.
(sits) I knew it was useless to say who she was, or
how she came.
Nio. (c. ) He feared the truth, tho' I advised it.
Truth might have worked more mischief.
Drxx. No! truth couldn't! But what's the use of
a truth which seemed like throwing down the gauntlet
CA.R. (crosses to PETER) Oh Peter! Confess you
were beguiled and I'll forgive you. (talcing his face in
her hands, turns his head towards her)
Drxx. I cannot criminate myself by owning up to
what doesn't belong to me. If you had been here wher
she arrived if you had spen how she came, it would
have been all right; you would understand that (rises)
that she is no more to me than a sister I have not seen
Goes up c. to fireplace.
Nso. (R. c.) He was near when I first drew my
breath! But him in the wide world I have no one, he
is my guardian, my protector.
C\R. (crosses c. ) Ah, how blind I've been, (goes to
Drxx and brings him down L. of her) Forgive me,
Peter, for having doubted. Why did you not say she was
Drxx. Why! I never thought of it.
CAR. (to NIOBE) You, too, must forgive me, and let
me call you Sister. (Drxx smiling)
Nio. Oh yes, that will be sweet. I have wanted so
much to love you, but you would not let me.
CVR. (arms around NIOBE) I might have known you
would wish to be near Peter. Though he never said so;
and what a resemblance! Come, Peter dear, kiss your
sister. And Helen thought different.
Duxx. Helen would, (beck at table, putting away,
CAR. I was to blame for neglecting Peter's kindred.
I knew of your existence, that is all. What is your
66 N1OBE, ALL SMILES.
DUNN, (at back, trying to stop her) Mab
Nio. (not hetding UI.NN) My name is Niobe!
DUNN, (goes down L. ) She conceals nothing. She's
altogether too guileless for this nineteenth century.
Enter HELEN and HATTIE from dining-room R. i. E.
CAR. Sister Niobe! (embracing her and putting her
over c.) Helen! (crosses to HELEN) We have wronged
Peter; ice are to blame. She is his sister.
HEL. (severely) Sister!
HAT. Peter's Sister!
CAR. And if we had not kept her a stranger to our
circle, her coming would not have caused all this anx-
HEL. (nastily spofcen) I always said, if she came
there would be trouble.
HAT. (crosses to NIOBE, R. c.) Peter's sister. Well,
you're not a bit like him. You're altogether too scrump-
tious for anything.
Nio. (c. ) Though I am ignorant of what "scrump-
tious " means, your manner tells me it is something
HAT. (L. c.) You bet your boots it is.
HEL. (R.) Hattie!
HAT. (sharply) Don't you interfere. We're going
to run our new sister on our own lines, aren't we Carrie?
Nio. You have my sympathy (pointing to HELEN)
that she claims kinship with you.
HELEN turns indignantly from NIOBE.
HAT. Oh, you are a funny old thing. And say, Ni',
won't you tell me how you dress your hair like that?
(round to L. of NIOBE)
Nio. I cannot tell you that; my tiring women dressed
it. It is as it was left three thousand years ago.
OMNES. Three thousand years!
DCNN. (crossing in front to c.) Ha! Er that's a
quotation; you know the quotation "Rode the three
thousand." (goes up c.)
Enter MARY, R., from halhcay, n. c.
MARY, (to NIOBE) Miss Mifton wants to know if
she's ever goin' to get her clothes?
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 07
DUNN. Yes, yes! Of course! (to NIOBE) Go! Go!
and give her dress back by all means, (goes up)
MARY exits R.
HAT. Bother her shabby old clothes! You can have
some of my dresses.
CAR. Or mine. You are about my figure.
Nio. I am pleased you are so shapely. Cleophas
thought that I was well nigh faultless.
CAR. Who's Cleophas?
HAT. (quickly, R. c. ) Is he your mash?
DUNN, (going down, pushes HATTIE aicay) Never
mind him. He's a fellow we met at the races, (to
NIOBE aside) Be quiet and do as I tell you or you'll
spoil all. (c~"s over to window)
Xio. (gradually working up) Ah no! Fear not!
(coming down c. ) I cannot take the robes you'd kindly
loan me, but I am touched no less with all your love
and moved to the relief of melting tears.
NIOIJI: exits crying, off R. c. up stairs; CARRIE up c., looks
after NIGUE; HATTIE goes up R. c., and exits after
Drxx. (coming down L.) At it again. Kindness or
cruelty, care or neglect, all melt her alike.
CAR. Poor, tender hearted darling.
HEL. (down R.) Irrigating Crocodile! She's a huge
sham mark my words, we shall live to regret her com-
Duxx. (goes a little towards HELEX) There's no oc-
casion for you, to live here to regret it. If you feel you
could bear it better somewhere else, don't let us keep
you. (goes L.)
Enter BEATRICE R., from hallway, advances with, HATTIE.
HAT. (R. c.) Bea! What do you think? Such a sur-
prise; Miss Mifton, the first Miss Mifton is
Duxx. (L. ) Hattie, my dear, be quiet. Miss Sil-
locks is not interested in our family surprises.
BEA. (R. c.) Oh yes I am! Especially as I have one
of my own.
CAR. For whom?
CS MODE, ALL SMILES.
BEA. For all of you! Papa has always imagined, as
Mr. Dunn's sister never visited him, that there was some
kind of estrangement.
HAT. Yes! And her papa was determined to get
Peter's sister over on a visit, and give them the chance
to kiss and be friends.
BEA. That's it! And he has just received a telegram
to say she will come.
HEL. AND CAR. (R. and R. c.) Who will come?
BEA. (c.) Mr. Dunn's sister, Mabel!
DUNN. Niobe Niobe Mabel Dunn she has several
names. Those are the two front ones Miobe, Nabel,
BEA. Mabel; tho' papa says they always called her
Gypsy, she was so dark.
HEL. (rises) Dark? She is fair!
BEA. and HATTIE go up c. in front of fireplace; CARRIE
up to opening c.
DUNN, (c.) Yes, she is fair now. I tried to keep
her dark, but I couldn't, (going drops in chair ex-
Enter CORNEY from dining-room.
HEL. (advances c.) I knew it another fraud un-
CORX. (R.) What is it? What's the new discovery?
HEL. (c. ) He, this monster of martial iniquity, has
been blinding us with new and more daring falsehoods.
He declared that this woman was his sister.
DUNN. Never! Never! I never declared it.
HEL. (crosses L. c. to table) See how he cowers, for
he stands confessed. Fate, in the person of Beatrice
Sillocks, has hunted him down.
CORX. Bea, in a new role. The guardian angel of
innocence, (crosses L. to DUNN)
HAT. (down c.) Perhaps he has two sisters! (Drxx
u-ith a gleam of hope rises) Why not, there are two
Miss Miftons! (CORXEY meets DUNN'S gaze)
CORN. No, no!
DUNN. No, no! (drops in chair again)
CORN. No! no! That's played out. Even Peter, with
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 69
all his impudence, wouldn't set up that defence, (goes
up to fire to BEATRICE)
CAR. (advances to R. c.) She is not your sister?
DUNN. No! No!
HAT. (L. c.) Oh, Peter!
HEL. Hattie! Leave the room; these disclosures are
unfit for your ears.
HATTIE crosses front to R.
COKX. (bringing BEATRICE doicn R. c.) And take
Beatrice from the moral poison of his presence.
HAT. We'll hear all about it afterwards, so it doesn't
make any difference. (HATTIE exits with BEATIIK i:
R. i. K. )
COKX. (goes towards PETER in front of table L. c.)
Now Peter Amos Dunn! As my sister's brother, I am
bound to bring it to your notice, that one of us, either
your party or our party, must leave this house. And,
I think your best course is to leave us in possession of
the home you are no longer fit to occupy.
Di NX (rises) It's my home, and I suit it to myself.
(desperately. CORXEY backs a little c.)
HEL. Leave him to me, Corney! (going to Duxx)
Drxx. Yes, ao! Her sex gives her a protection you
CAR. (R. c. ) Peter, why, oh why did you say she
was your sister?
DUNN, (crossing to CARRIE) I didn't! It never oc-
curred to me or I might. You yourself said she was my
sister, and I know you hate to be contradicted.
CAR. (R. c.) But she gave her consent to the fraud.
She let me call her sister.
Drxx. (R. c.) Oh, what of that! I've called many
a girl sister before I married you.
CAR. This woman admitted that you were her guar-
oian and protector.
Drxx. Well, in a sense I am. I'm responsible for
her. She's purely a matter of business. She was turned
over to me to take care of, and when he's ready for her
he'll take her away.
HEL. What disgusting levity!
CAR. Who will take her away?
DUNN. Why Tompkins! She's his property, not
CORN, (advancing c.) Tompkins! Isn't this a branch
of business which ought not to be intruded on the home
70 NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
DUNN. (c 1 .) Don't I know that? But Tompkins set
such store by her, I had to oblige him and bring her
here, (crosses to low seat L. )
HEL. (rises) Then weak as you are to shield an-
other person's infamy at the cost of insulting your fam-
ily, you are a spotless infant compared to Tompkins.
CAR. Mr. Tompkins must never set foot in this house
CORN, (c.) Say the word and I'll kick Tompkins
out every time he comes.
Enter MARY from halhtay R. from L.
MARY. Mr. Tompkins! (MARY exits)
CORXEY goes quickly to R. corner : enter TOMPKINS R. u. E.
DUNN. How d'ye do, Tompkins? If you'll come to
HEL. (putting DUNN back, Tie falls into chair) Let
Mr. Tompkins first hear the opinion of the ladies, whose
sense of delicacy he has outraged.
TOMP. (c. ) What's the matter, Dunn?
DUNN. Nothing! Nothing! Don't take any notice.
HEL. He must take notice, and apologize to ladies
or irreproachable character though it is scarcely to be
expected from one so utterly depraved.
TOMP. I haven't an idea what I'm supposed to have
done, but few of us have past lives, wholly free from
blame. Even you, Miss Griffin, may have something to
HEL. What dare you insinuate? It is not true! Who
could have told you? I I
DUNN. It's right! It's right! Tompkins has found
it all out Helen's down and I can't triumph I
haven't a crow left in me. (goes up L. to fire c.)
HEL. Even for your sake Carrie, I cannot remain
here to be insulted.
CAR. Is not Corney here to protect you? (comes
flown R. c. )
CORN. To be sure, tricks of this kind won't help you,
Tompkins, and we must ask you to take her away, if
you have not the decency to apologise for her pres-
TOMP. (c.) Whose presence? Who's shef
CORN. (R.) The woman you brought here.
TOMP. I brought!
CORN. The Governess!
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 71
HEL. (L. ) Dunn's sister!
CAR. (R. c.) Miss Mifton!
TOMP. (R. c.) There are three of them?
Duxx. They're all one!
CAR. (advancing to TUMPKIXS) Mr. Dunn says she
was brought here to oblige you.
TOMP. Dunn says that (goes up to Duxx)
Duxx. (crouching on stool by fire) Yes, I did, but
it's a lie a waacking lie! I'm trying to break a record
I started in without thinking and Heaven only knows
where I shall end.
TOMP. Is this meant for a joke, Mr. Dunn?
Duxx. That's it! I never thought of it before, but
it's a joke. Ha! Ha!
TOMP. I fail to appreciate it, Sir; but fortunately my
business with you will soon be over and our acquaint-
ance can em" Trith it. I have come to take away my
Statue. (coics down c.)
CARRIE crosses to L.
Duxx. His Statue! The last straw!
TOMP. I find my place is ready, and the men are
here to move it.
Duxx. Move it! You can't move it!
Coux. (R.) Why not? It's only a question of hav-
ing enough men.
TOMP. I have a score, and they will exercise every
care in getting it out.
Duxx. Care's of no use, and a hundred men couldn't
get the Statue out! It isn't here.
TOMP. Not here!
OMXES. Not here!
TOMP. What do you mean?
HEL. The figure has not been moved.
CORX. (R. ) It's here in the screen right enough, it
couldn't fly out of the window, (opening screen) Gone!
TOMP. Nothing but the Pedestal!
Duxx. (advancing R. c.) Didn't I tell you so? Do
you think I am incapable of ever speaking the truth?
TOMP. But wnere is it? Where! What is your ex-
Duxx. I haven't got one! (falling into chair B.)
CORX. Absurd! Make a break at something, (cross-
ing up stage and down and sits on table)
TOJIP. (c.) Stupendous misfortune! You can have
1% NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
no conception of the awfulness of your avowal you can-
not realize my loss.
Di NX. I can realize the loss it is to our Company!
To MI'. What is filthy lucre? No money on earth can
compensate me for its destruction.
CAR. (L. c.) Be calm, Mr. Tompkins!
HEL. (R. of table L. c. ) It will be found no doubt.
TOM P. Calm! With such a treasure gone! Ah! You
know nothing of the halo of romance that surrounds
that figure. It was no ordinary piece of statuary.
There is a legend that no mortal hand carved or chis-
elled it. It is believed to be the actual petrifaction of
the identical once living Niobe, wife of Amphion, King
Duxx. (jumping up) What! Niobe herself! And
you believe the story? You do!
TOMP. Why should I doubt the possibility of human
Duxx. (rushing at TOMPKIXS, taking his hand\
Bless you, Tompkins! Bless you! Now 7 can be be-
lieved! (crosses to others L. c. ) The truth seemed so
preposterous before, I dared not tell it. But now oh
Tompkins! Tompkins! (embracing TOMPKIXS)
TOMP. (pushing him away) Why this excitement?
Duxx. (going back R. ) Because she, Niobe herself,
from the time immediately after the Trojan war, who
was there in the stone, has come to life!
OMXES. Come to life! ! !
Duxx. (on pedestal) The uncovered electric wires
imparted some vital current to the system, which roused
the dormant principle of respiration and circulation, un-
petrified her limbs and she is alive; alive, oh! (goes L. )
TOMP. (R. c.) Mirabile Dictu! (goes to R. corner)
Duxx. Call it what you like, Tompkins, you can't
alter it. Ah! She is here!
NIOBE enters R. c. as Statue, coming down c. ; ichite lime
Nio. (c.) Petramos, I have obeyed you.
TOMP. (R.) The same sweet face!
CAR. (up c.) The same features!
HEL. (L.) The same Costume!
Nio. (c.) You stare most strangely! What does
your wonder mean?
NIOBE, ALL SMILES. 73
DUNN. (R. c.) It means, they have heard the truth
and believe it.
TOM P. Niobe! (hands out)
Nio. (seeing TOMPKINS) What man is this?
DUNN. Your owner. The man who paid great treas-
ure to purchase you to adorn his home.
Nio. Am I then his slave?
TOMP. Say rather I am yours.
NIOBE advances c.; TOMPKINS to Tier as DUNN goes up
to CARRIE reconciliation business.
TOMP. Oh filtatese gewnaikos omma kai dommas,
ekk s'aelptose, oupot opsesthai, dokone.
Nio. Ekkeis fthonosdy mee genoito tone theone.
They turn back to audience, TOMPKINS half embracing
her; enter SILLOCKS, BEATRICE, HATTIE and INNINGS
B., from hallway.
SILL, (up R. c.) Hallo! What's this? A fancy dress
CORN. (L.) Oh no! A new metamorphosis for a mod-
ern Ovid. This lady is the real article, warranted three
thousand years in bottle.
SILLOCKS and BEATRICE cross to L., and NIOBE and TOMP-
KINS go up c.
HAT. (L.) Oh, Corney, what a stretch!
INN. (down L.) Why, she's the exact counterpart of
TOMPKINS and NIOBE go up c. and face audience.
CAR. (R. c.) She is the Statue!
SILL, (up L. c. ) What does it mean?
DUNN. (L. of CARRIE) It means that Tompkins has
no longer an Antique excuse for living single.
TOMP. (L. of NIOBE) It means, he does not want one.
DUNN. (R. c. ) She'll make you an excellent wife,
Tompkins, combining all the charm of youth with a
long worldly experience.
Nio. (c. ) Farewell, Petramos!
DUNN. Good bye!
Nio. Good bye to all.
NIOBE TO AUDIENCE:
NIOBE, ALL SMILES.
I know you may expect me, from the strain
Of such like plays, to turn to stone again,
But life is sweet, and faults if you'll forgive
Sans tears, all smiling Niobe will live.
University of California
SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY
305 De Neve Drive - Parking Lot 17 Box 951388
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA 90095-1388
Return this material to the library from which it was borrowed.
DUE 2 WK8 FROM DAT! R